Winners Don't Shiver

I don’t deny I shiver. When the cold shower sprays down my neck, I turn the faucet over and increase the intensity of the cold temperature. It makes me feel awake. It’s like a thousand knives stabbing into my

body, and truly introduces meaning into the phrase “mind over body” and I’d be a liar if I said I wasn’t still tied to the carnal, the part that seeks comfort & warmth. But I do it anyway.

Transcendence is a word that was introduced into my brain by the local black magician Diabolus Rex, magus of the Chaos Imperium. I never believed there was something “out there.” But in his interviews I’ve never been so thoroughly informed about the Left-Hand Path in a form that I instinctually understood through personal verification and plain understanding of what I’ve read. I think the inertia of sexuality determines spirituality, in the direction of this force. Dedicating your Qi to things beyond the flesh, brings brightness into your eyes in an unspeakable way. There are no words to describe this phenomena, it is beyond definition or mathematical calculation. The thing that is important to understand is that individual choices have importance.

I think it was Aleister Crowley who said that every act, intention, is a magical act.

Little by little, I turn the faucet a little bit colder. In these days I find cutting to be despicable, and I think physical fitness is the path to true development. Both methods are the same, accomplishing the purpose of catharsis by inflicting pain, but one will leave you weaker and the other stronger. There is the deepest level of respect for the U.S. Navy Seals in my soul, facing death in their training sessions. 

In the darkest dawn, turning in push-ups in the fierce dark beach finding strength through pain. Not to mention they are the first responders to an urgent “diplomatic” mission. Their brutality leaves them with the option to shiver internally only. It’s the desire to overcome and push beyond physical limitations to protect.

There’s pride in me sucking off strong men, but it is difficult quenching the thirst of obliterating the desolate and weak. The tearing of flesh, destroying skinny bones in desperate thirst to obliterate decadence

in the garden of Darwin and to continue the paint it has coated over the plants and nature. I’m desperate for competition, seeking those stronger than I am. In fact, I praise them. I thirst for the more intelligent, to be impacted and obtain virtue through force. To look into the eyes of a man better than me and force him to bow.

In the direction of this force, I’m desperate for competition. I seek those stronger than I am, in fact I praise them. The plants, the animals, that inner instinct that transcends and penetrates through the nothingness into a defined being.

I opened the shower curtain and looked directly into the mirror, and just like the instinct of a boy kissing a girl for the first time I unconsciously raised my arms like a dying corpse on a cross and insultingly looked into the mirror. It was blasphemous. This unholy frown was too intense to be incorrectly seen as the mocking & duplicitous smile it was intended to be; I became shocked.

This look looked scary but divine.

There’s something in it that was truly beautiful, but it felt like cutting into my own personal spirit. It felt wrong.

I felt it.

I’ve been numb to the presence of things in the beyond that I’ve felt cutting others, or following this philosophy, is the only path to being in touch with the divine. But I think instead of looking for this thing outside, I’m forced to admit that I shiver in the cold water. There’s soldiers that finish and pass their tests, but do not finish in perfection. I shiver. Just like push-up that is imperfect.

There’s always going to be limitations in life, this is the direct purpose under which you were designed for. It won’t ever happen - pushing beyond the divine, but I understand transgression. I’m not interested in doing that look in the mirror again. He was someone who understood that people fuck up on their test. It is intelligent to understand pain because injury differentiates from discernment. It’s direct perception that instructs, but it is subjective and inevitably you’re going to fuck up. There's objective judgement.

I shiver.

But I turn the cold water temperature colder, because I want to learn and go to church.

The End of the World

"The end of the world doesn't come suddenly and without warning. To imagine it does, is to be fooled by popular misconception and thus fail to recognize the larger picture. The end of the world is an ongoing process. It starts slowly, imperceptibly, and blossoms unnoticed in our very midst, until it has engufled all that there is and none is free from its grasp.

All that humankind thinks is great and mighty is but a disease upon life and must be made to perish if life is to continue. That which modern man worshiped as being grand and noble is but an affliction. All that has given the appearance of granting freedom to mankind, has in fact ordained its enslavement, impairing, and crippling from within while outwardly bearing the banner of liberty. The body of humanity has been poisoned, and even as it strives for new horizons and constant advancement, rigor mortis has preceded the approach of death and the lives of men are dragged into the grave along with it.

Seek now those motions that sow for humanity the seeds of death as they harvest for you the bounty of life."

- Boyd Rice

A Morning In Quotes

"First you have to give up, first you have to know, not fear, that someday you're gonna die."

"The first soap was made from the ashes of heroes, like the first monkey shot into space. Without pain, without sacrifice, we would have nothing."

"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything. "

"Fuck off with your sofa units and green stripe patterns, I say never be complete, I say stop being perfect, I say let... lets evolve, let the chips fall where they may."

"The things you own end up owning you."

"You have a kind of sick desperation in your laugh."

"Fuck Martha Stewart!"

"This is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time."

"If you wake up at a different time, in a different place... could you wake up as a different person?"

"On a long enough timeline, the surviving rate for everybody drops to zero."

"Tyler was full of useful information."

"A nice big COCK!"

"You are not special. You're not a beautiful or unique snowflakes. You are the same decaying organic matter as everything else."

"We just had a near life experience!"

"I felt like putting a bullet between the eyes of every panda that wouldn't screw to save its species."

"You wanna make an omelette, you gotta break some eggs"

"Sooner or later, we all became what Tyler wanted us to be."

"In the world I see - you are stalking elk through the damp canyon forests around the ruins of Rockefeller Center. You'll wear leather clothes that will last you the rest of your life. You'll climb the wrist-thick kudzu vines that wrap the Sears Tower. And when you look down, you'll see tiny figures pounding corn, laying strips of venison on the empty car pool lane of some abandoned superhighway."

"All the ways you wish you could be, that's me. I look like you wanna look, I fuck like you wanna fuck, I am smart, capable, and most importantly, I am free in all the ways that you are not."

"You don't know where I've been. You don't know where I've been. Just let us have the basement, Lou!"

"A new car built by my company leaves somewhere traveling at 60 mph. The rear differential locks up. The car crashes and burns with everyone trapped inside. Now, should we initiate a recall? Take the number of vehicles in the field, A, multiply by the probable rate of failure, B, multiply by the average out-of-court settlement, C. A times B times C equals X. If X is less than the cost of a recall, we don't do one."

"You know, man, it could be worse. A woman could've cut off your penis while you were sleeping and toss it out the window of a moving car."

"Beautiful. We were selling rich women their fat asses back to them."

"No fear. No distractions. The ability to let that which does not matter truly slide."

"There are things about you that I like. You're smart, you're funny, you're... spectacular in bed... But you're intolerable! You have very serious emotional problems. Deep seated problems for which you should seek professional help" and he said, "Now a question of etiquette... as I pass, do I give you the ass or the crotch?"

"Fuck damnation, man! Fuck redemption! We are God's unwanted children? So be it! "

Devil In A New Dress

I just got finished getting my cock sucked. There's something about women that makes me so submissive to their seductive charms and atmospheric femininity. Every three and a half seconds I fall in love with a new girl, and every minute I imagine a new dream of marriage.

Their love bites on my chest and neck are recognitions of dominance and ownership, and my willingness to be a slave to their erotic malevolence always arrives with an underlying misogynistic distrust and an almost hateful resentment for their power over me. I break her face with every flirtatious act, and her nose bleeds estrogen which is my savored cocaine.

"So fucking cute. So fucking gorgeous. So fucking beautiful. Darling, I want to destroy you."

My ex-girlfriend called me yesterday and as always my compulsion drove me to say that I would have stayed with her in California if she asked, but of course that was just my adrenaline speaking. After some of the batshit crazy and disturbed people I have encountered  in the past few years, it feels great to have someone in my life that isn't immature or passive aggressive, but I wonder if I'm holding myself to the same standard. Probably not, my hellmouth can't stop itself from spitting seductive charms out of a lustful adoration to every girl I meet.

"I'm making love to the Angel of Death."

My fingers drip of a different carcinogenic nectar, and instead of nicotine-stained fingers they now are covered in the most obvious sexual acceptance, their sacred honey, my addiction. I savor all the precious that is female and to watch her squeal in delight is a beautiful dream of heaven. There's a stripper in there too. I've dated the nymphet of a stripper, along with a musician, blood-painter, college girl, and cute girl next door. Always do I bow down over their pink and purple atmospheres in the blue shade. Some I fuck furiously and imagine with other men, others I cuddle and claim and want nobody to take them from me. But I adore all.

Wolf monster satisfied by the women of Portland.

Exquisite is when you choke on your own breath as an absolutely gorgeous princess gives you a seductive smile. "I'm sooooooo your slave" I plead to her, and hold her hand to kiss. Bending over for her is fine, fine just fine.

Addiction is such a thrilling demise when the magnificent girl of your dreams cuddles with you on the couch and discreetly whispers her most fragile secrets and opens her gorgeous neck for consumption. I want her, her war, her disaster, her lust, her vanity, and her adoration. Sitting next to her on that couch made the hotel party seem like a precursor to some sort of sexual heaven and the intoxicating perfume still has not left my mind.

Evil Seducer

At the party she crept up close to me in the couch. I didn't stand a chance, this gorgeous thing was just brilliant. Cute, adorable, yet still sexy. She called me an "evil seducer" and I said I can't be held responsible for the things that come out of my hellmouth. Her hand resting on my thigh we started talking and one thing led to another and there we were, tasting the taste of her lips, the scent of her neck, the softness of her hands...

Drunk I fell victim to her feminine charms and her cheek against mine brought me higher than any drug that night. Apparently she did as well, biting her lip at every word of Spanish I whispered lovingly into her ear. I told her that I didn't want to fuck her, I wanted to see her, alone, tomorrow, and be able to get to know her better outside of the environment of a hotel party.

So, to the judgmental jury that so passionately loves to smash my spirit down with inevitable guilt & low self-confidence, explain how I am the evil seducer when all I've done today is check my phone, hoping to see the warm and inviting message "1 Missed Call from Deanne."

Nuclear

Fabric of Time

"I feel that when I'm old, I'll look at you and know: the world was grotesque."

Part 2, The Persistence of War

While you wallow in the wake of your destruction, you never take a moment to look at the path which brought you here. Your ego is so large that you can't realize that the mistakes you have made are fatal, and have destroyed our relationship to a point where even looking at you is self-inflicted mutilation.

It doesn't take a genius to realize that if it causes you to burn in fury and scream words of hate, it is the moment to remove yourself before you are marked as an infernal monster. Being with you and the lies which you brought to me time after time have turned me into an insecure fool - too scared to run, unsure about myself and the constant hurt you injected into my arm like your drugs of choice.

A knife or letterbomb won't be necessary to hurt you, because in the same way that you caused this car crash, you will injure yourself in the coming days. You will injure yourself when you touch his (whoever it may be) skin and feel nothing but cold and distance.

You should be ashamed of what you have done to the person who truly took an effort to help, and stood by you regardless of all the high disrespect you shoved in his face.

I will wipe this dry cum, shit, and spit you have spilled on me like a cocoon and fashion myself into a form of hawk eyes to distinguish the unworthy and like the wolfsangel carved from the yew tree, be a weapon of might that will cut itself through this burning fabric covering me and step forth into the third chapter of my life.

"Use your fist and not your mouth. <3"

Go ahead and mock me, but I will no longer lower myself to be fit into your tabloid salivating horny desire to persecute me as a monster. I quit.

Wolf Snarl

And I will jab this knife into your back for every time that you placed warmth into my face, and you will receive no comfort but the delicacy of blood embracing your sweet little face.

Will the frost of winter be enough to thaw these vicious flames of passion? For your sake, you better hope so, because my heart is a ticking bullet ready to penetrate and fuck sweet, betraying, and disloyal skin.

Tragically Infernal

Constantly consuming is your warmth, and you have conquered and divided my defenses. Now as you move in for the kill, you bring down the fire and throw down my dominos of indiscretion leading to the vulnerable child crying at the end of the hallway.

Inescapable, molded solid, and biological imprisonment. "A permanent solution to a temporary problem" the warning sign says, but the thought of you out of my sight reeks of screaming infidelity. This will end in bloodshed, and that won't be lipstick on your fucking lips.

In Memoriam

I grabbed your hair roughly and thrust myself into you violently. There was no denying your lust and immediate orgasm as your cheeks blushed the most vibrant red. "You're my bitch, and I'm your man. Tell me how much you love my cock." You tried to mumble a word but only a moan was able to escape the mouth that was covered by my aggressive hand. A bite into your neck and I couldn't tell whether it was one of pain, pleasure, or a combination of both.

"You wanted PERFEKT. You got your PERFEKT. But now I'm too perfekt for someone like you."

My misogyny stems from the fact that they never love you, they love the way you make them feel. These vampires thirst after certain emotions that some people can provide them, and if you are able to learn their patterns and figure out how to release those chemicals in their head, like carnal beginnings intended, reservation has no extent. You are an object, a phallus toy, to be used to fulfill their desires, their needs, and their expectations.

That's why I'm aggressive when I fuck you -- and the more you beg for it, the angrier it makes me.