Orlando

Sunsets have always held a feeling of anxiety, sadness, and the reminder of death, but this twilight was different. Looking at Astrid's angelic face in front of the dying California sky was a picture in words - a poem about a teenage story concluded.

The 1920's invented the teenager. With the increased popularity of automobiles, older kids began socializing away from home, in turn sparking a flame in the economic marketplace with which we now know as "nightlife." Parents would give them an allowance to spend at restaurants, shows, events. Sporadic bolts of sexual hormones combined with relative privacy popularized "dates", "boyfriends", "girlfriends", and many sex sessions inside a car on the top of a hill somewhere.

Cars gave children a small taste of adulthood - an illusion of independence. "I can drive away from home and hang out with my friends. I'm a big boy now."

When I listen to "Scary Monsters and Shiny Sprites" I taste the desolation of a wide and half-empty street, the taste of Orlando's expansive sky, and an angry and ever so beautiful girl shouting obscenities and crying while driving her father's car. My mind also shuffles portraits of Mountain View's disgustingly normal 4pm life.

Do I regret moving to Portland? Abandoning my best friends in carcinogenic California, or discarding the beautiful Orlando lights and blonde sky imprinted with my name on the ribcage? Not for a single second.

Absolutely everything that I have acquired has been through my own hard work. I was never granted the gift of a car, and by extension, the illusion of independence that so many like to cling to as if it was their personal Jesus. No - I created my own independence, not settling for a mere hologram, and carved my own niche for "lo que dios no te de, te tienes que robar."

Closing this year in a magnificent paradise, I can safely say that I am overneath the path of misery.

The End of the World

"The end of the world doesn't come suddenly and without warning. To imagine it does, is to be fooled by popular misconception and thus fail to recognize the larger picture. The end of the world is an ongoing process. It starts slowly, imperceptibly, and blossoms unnoticed in our very midst, until it has engufled all that there is and none is free from its grasp.

All that humankind thinks is great and mighty is but a disease upon life and must be made to perish if life is to continue. That which modern man worshiped as being grand and noble is but an affliction. All that has given the appearance of granting freedom to mankind, has in fact ordained its enslavement, impairing, and crippling from within while outwardly bearing the banner of liberty. The body of humanity has been poisoned, and even as it strives for new horizons and constant advancement, rigor mortis has preceded the approach of death and the lives of men are dragged into the grave along with it.

Seek now those motions that sow for humanity the seeds of death as they harvest for you the bounty of life."

- Boyd Rice

Letter To A Ghost, Pt. III

My desire has changed, I do not seek your friendship anymore. The fear of loved ones dying and not having a last chance of saying goodbye is akin to my problem of perfectionism due to my need to see structure and organization. Nothing is perfect, and I accept that.

As you went up to Saratoga (and your horse naturally won), with confidence I can see that it is beyond your ability to analyze yourself for faults or be strong enough to accept the phrase "let's just be friends." You're not a shovel, and I am not your dirt. You are not abused and I am not your abuser.

I would lay defeated on the floor, praying at your kneels to reconsider, to be critical, to consider an inconvenient truth, but without mercy you laughed in nervous self-preservation and tried to conceal your hurt with whatever you could stick inside to runaway from the current situation.

Disassociated, numb, and unwilling to accept reality - I watched you walk away, daftly running into things with your eyes closed, jumping into large city street puddles, covering your ears with whatever feminist-approved popular song would drug you into the comfort of passive-aggressive self-righteousness and bigotry.

And there I was, the fool, on my knees, hoping to see more behind the eyes of a fallen angel. Praying with every inch of my soul that "she will come around, she will be mature, she will rise."

I see you falling down into the ocean floor, and with every ounce of my strength I attempted to raise you with me, but you kicked and punched. If I continued to work with you, we would sink together, but my inner Will does not allow me to do anything other than what is right and truthful.

A whirl of black hair and the angelic innocent face of a sad little girl sunk into the oceanic dark abyss, and I look above me, and saw a watercolor painting of beauty, dream, and Heaven above the surface of the water.

And I am there.

No matter how far away, I will always love you. But I am very far away - a million miles away.

In Shadows Growing Wings

Insecurity, my greatest weakness.

In this year I have shredded every single mite of such disease that was left on my body when I was discarded and left to pray for rain. And when I'm God - the rain as commanded arrived.

When you live in an emotionally abusive household from the age of 13 until the day of freedom, the night before the 18th birthday, though you may survive, the remnants of such horrible torture can still infect your mind. Always questioning yourself, questioning your worth, never being enough in your imagination for whoever casts eyes on you, and the torturous feeling of unwarranted guilt.

And to enter the work force with the purest intentions, to only be eaten alive by predators with fake smiles and mile long personal agendas. You don't need to be in a war to see the ugly side of human nature, it occurs on a daily basis on every street corner, and every place which makes a dollar. Putting feathers up your ass doesn't make you a chicken, and wearing the aesthetic of concern like a good guy badge doesn't change an employer's actions.

I scorn and spit upon the masses who are dull enough to have their sensory abilities be sugared upon and sweetened to the point of blindness.  Undefiled wisdom is the true virtue in acquiring knowledge, even if the information gathered frightens you.

Test everything! Believe nothing.

In shadows growing wings, I was an innocent boy looking for home, and I was in a cocoon in the form of a cave - and now I have risen. Overneath.

Day of the Dead

"Sing a hymn for the dead, because in death as in life, we are one in the same. Sing a hymn for the world, to avert eugenic errors, go!" - Anti Flag

If there was a child still left in me, he would be praying to make those lyrics come back to life. But the truth is that with age and experience you begin to see the world for the way that it truly is - a violent struggle for resources. This is not limited to physical war, within society Social Darwinism thrives everywhere, from your local bank or the coffee shop down the street.

It makes me sick to the stomach that we are forced to conform to standards of a corporation and allow them to twist and destroy our psyche to turn out profit, and if I am destined to be enslaved by an entity, I damn well sure want to check all of my options.

People object to military service because they are afraid of death, but most fail to realize that you cannot escape death - it is all around you. What's to stop cancer from infecting your body, or the sharp steel of a car crash plundering into your skin?

Then there are pacifists who object to war because they do not like conflict. What's to stop you from causing conflict here in the civilian world? Are you not purchasing products that contribute to corporations that have more power than most world nations? Are you not paying taxes which contribute to the military–industrial complex? Do you not wish ill on whomever wishes to take your romantic partner? If you apply for a job, do you care about the other applicants lives?

Man is a beast of prey, history proves that man is a beast of prey.

I'm just ahead of the curve.

Resuscitation of a Dead Man

This year in particular has been difficult for me because I wanted to be overneath those who drown in childhood trauma and weakness. For personal reasons I cannot disclose, I willingly entered into situations and events which I have always been afraid of, and examined myself and the way I react to such environments. Facing your fears, in my opinion, is the best combat against inner weakness.

Covered in bruises and injuries, I made it to the other side. There's not much that I can show for it externally, but coincidentally, part of not giving a fuck if you believe me or not is an example of my success.

Now that my tasks have been completed, it is safe to announce that I will be joining the Armed Forces. Last year I thought I was disqualified for eczema - but upon further examination, it wasn't that. I had slept with a girl who gave me scabies. Very similar fuckin' symptoms.

I look at the phrase "resuscitation of a dead man" and do not immediately think bringing somebody back to life, but instead bringing back a person ready to die. The most prime example of my rise this year is - I will not permit myself to drown in such abysmal pessimism.

November's word is CONTROL, and I am in control. The phrase means "the WILL to live."

So it is done.

J. Favenris

I don't do drugs. I don't worship the Devil. I'm an atheist who isn't afraid to question norms, and critical thinking would be described as my finest ability.

Sometimes I like to talk quite poetically, and fall into a lot of metaphors and allegorical writing. I can be emotional and write occasional "emo" bullshit.

I'm very worried about what people think of me because I am terrified of being misinterpreted. I am not afraid of being an asshole, I just want to only be seen as an asshole when I intend on being an asshole.

I'm not the best at socializing. I can be kind of awkward, and don't easily fit in with most groups of people.

Looking at my blog, I think people will look at me as some kind of weirdo talking about shit like "ravage", "war", "devour", and "slaughter."

That's all poetic, shit, man.

I'm a middle-class 21 year old Libertarian-ish atheist who is into the occult, dark imagery, and counterculture.

My biggest vice is probably being a bit too lazy for my own potential, or being too emo.

But I'm not ashamed of who I am, all I'm afraid of is stepping on your toes. So if I do, let me know, because if I like you, I'll apologize and step back. And if I don't, then I'll press my foot down harder.

"For a change, I'll refrain from hiding of all of me from you."

Somewhere In Afghanistan; 30.OCT.12.

We sent another one home in a bag. He was so close to packing his bag. He’d probably already bought plane tickets home for Christmas. He wasn’t one of mine, I didn’t know him. One of my guys did...

I didn’t find out until the ceremony. I’d noticed he was in a scratchier mood than usual, but I hadn’t made the connection. He stood in front of me in the formation. When the colonel stood to speak I saw the skin on his neck turn bright pink. He hung his head for the benediction and never raised it. One of my squad leaders laid a hand on his shoulder. The colonel kept talking.

I stood in the back with the same pensive, grit-toothed expression I’ve been wearing for months. The colonel was talking, but I wasn’t listening. Nevermind that he isn’t an engaging speaker. He didn’t know the deceased. He doesn’t know any of us. He calls me “bud” because he doesn’t know my name. He doesn’t even like me. I’ve lead my boys all over Hell’s Acre at his beckon, and if I were sent home in a Ziploc tomorrow he wouldn’t have one thing to say at my bullshit ceremony.

That gave me pause.

I haven’t called my mother, I realized.

Not once this whole tour. The woman worships the ground I walk on, and all she asks for in return is a phone call. She gets a sparing e-mail. Maybe two or three sentences. What is there for me to say? I have no other family to speak of. None that I keep in contact with. I’m just a blurb to them. Oh, yes. He’s ‘over there’. 

I have friends from college that don’t know where the Hell I am. They e-mail me out of the blue to ask if I’m in the States. They don’t know if I’m in New York or Georgia, Washington, Oregon, Colorado. Kandahar. It doesn’t matter. That isn’t because they don’t keep up. It’s because I don’t tell anyone.

They wouldn’t have known until I had been scattered on the side of some shitty dirt road. My personal affects would have been gathered up and shipped home. My gear would have been rat-fucked by anyone who could get their hands on it. Fifty-Fifty chance that my unpaid allowances would have been taxed for the cost of some lost piece of equipment or another. Something blown into the weeds by ammonium nitrate and shrapnel.

The colonel would have privately asked my peers what to say. They would look at each other and shrug. We have nothing in common. We don’t really talk. Or they think I’m a prick.

None of that matters. It doesn’t change who I am. It doesn’t change the facts of my life. If I lived every day for the opinions of others, I would be one more boring, well-liked person. Survived by too many, with too much to lose.

A few days after the ceremony, the colonel came down to talk to the company officers. He crammed us into a little office and gave a quiet monologue about how we do so much of the work with so little thanks. He gave us each coins and shook our hands and that was it.

Battalion coins. Also-Ran prizes.

He still doesn’t like when I look him in the eye. I looked at the number on the thing. It had to be one of the last in the batch. I tossed the coin in my footlocker with my socks and t-shirts and forgot about it. I found later that the unit had a glut of them. The command team were giving them away left and right.

No one is going to ask how many battalion coins I earned when they scatter my ashes. They will want to know, at my wake, why the casket is closed.

Original article: http://www.fkinonline.com/2012/10/29/somewhere-in-afghanistan-30-oct-12/

Finale

How do I begin to describe those wonderful months? 

Perhaps in the rash introduction - in where I aggressively stole you from an inadequate mate. There are moments in life in where you see something so beautiful that you don't care who it belongs to, your teeth NEED to bite into that neck or you need to grasp that gorgeous blonde hair. Here's the finale to that story.

I'm confident. This year has been brutal, just like I imagined. And I have risen, nay, I am overneath. And you were there since the beginning and now you are going to witness the end.

As of late I have been quiet on my blog, but do not take that as an indication of resignation or apathy. There has been much work completed in my Dayside goals - and I'm not ashamed to say that there were certain things I wanted to complete that I sincerely didn't have enough time for.

There is a tattoo on the back of my arm of which I will make a blog post about soon, but it is mainly a reminder of the importance of willpower. Instead of letting something decay, sometimes it is best to cut off at an appropriate time. I was not strong enough to do this with you when I knew I needed to, but at least I did at one point.

And I'm stronger now. BETTER.

"Lo que dios no te de, te tienes que robar."

There are many things in this world beyond our control, but the important thing to do is try, try, and try. You can't have success without trying, and when you lose - utilize the pain of defeat to rebuild yourself even better! Forever rising upward and onward.

For the passionate furious ones, when we can't accomplish something it's usually beyond our control. But we never forget the joy of victory - especially the dreamlike scenarios that remind you that there is indeed grandeur in this view of life. Don't ever let someone tell you you're not beautiful.

Flummoxed by Failure - or Focused?

Many people think of intelligence as static: you are born with lots of brains, very few, or somewhere in between, and that quantum of intelligence largely determines how well you do in school and in life.

The astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson has never liked this view. "I hardly ever use the word intelligence," says Mr. Tyson, who directs the Hayden Planetarium in New York. "I think of people as either wanting to learn, ambivalent about learning or rejecting learning." He speaks from experience: As a young man, he was booted from one doctoral program but managed to get into another and complete his Ph.D.

Over the past 25 years, social scientists have produced some key insights into how successful people overcome their unsuccessful moments—and they have found that attitudes toward learning play a large role from a young age.

 Warlock Byrd and his creation.

In a 1978 study, the Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck and a colleague gave a series of puzzles to children, all of them about 10 years old. The first eight problems required some careful thought, but none was too demanding. The next four, however, were far too hard for anyone that age to solve in the allotted time. On the first eight, all of the youngsters solved the exercises and appeared to enjoy them. But everything changed with the impossible second set.

Reactions differed enormously. One group of students said things like, "I can't solve these problems. I'm not smart enough." They wilted in the face of failure. Children in the other group took a different approach: They kept telling themselves that they could solve the difficult problems with more effort.

Dr. Dweck and other psychologists have assigned labels to these two types of students. Students of the first sort are called "helpless" because they develop the idea that they just can't do something. If they continue to believe that they are generally smart, they still often become helpless because they are afraid to try anything new for fear that failure will undermine their self-image as "one of the bright ones."

Kids of the second sort, however, are said to have a mind-set of "mastery" or "growth." They believe that they can expand their abilities if they try. If they don't succeed, they look for new strategies rather than giving up.

Are these students just smarter than their "helpless" peers? Not according to Dr. Dweck. She has found that children in the two groups have roughly the same natural abilities. In fact, sometimes the "helpless" ones demonstrate greater native powers.

Where do helpless students get the notion that intelligence is fixed? In part from our culture, which bombards them with the idea that IQ tests measure how bright they are. Even well-meaning parents and teachers can foster this view. Melissa Kamins, who worked with Dr. Dweck, discovered that children who primarily receive personal praise ("how smart you are") rather than kudos for their efforts are more likely to develop fixed views of intelligence. A growth mind-set can be learned. In a 2007 study by psychologists from Columbia and Stanford, nearly 100 seventh graders (most of them struggling in math) participated in an eight-week workshop on studying. The subjects were secretly divided into two large groups. Both groups received instruction on how to use their study time most effectively and how to organize and remember new material.

But then came the difference: One of the groups read aloud an article titled "You Can Grow Your Intelligence." It explained research on how nerve cells in the brain make stronger connections after we learn something new. Students in the other group spent that time reading an article about how memory works and learning new strategies for recalling material.

Most of the students went into the sessions generally believing that intelligence was fixed for life, but the group that read about the brain's growth emerged from the experience with much stronger notions about improving intelligence with effort. That group generally showed greater motivation to do well in math class in the weeks and months after the experience.

As the researchers noted, someone's theory about intelligence may not make much difference when times are easy. But when failures accumulate, those who believe that they can improve their basic abilities are far more likely to weather the storm.

—Adapted from Dr. Bain's book, "What The Best College Students Do." Article from The Wall Street Journal.

After reading this article, I enjoyed seeing my own views on intelligence be mirrored. The overall sentiment of focusing on overcoming challenges as the correct path for growth, focusing on what could be not what is, was inspiring. Childhood is a very protected, almost sacred, part of Satanism in where limitless potential is present and upon proper growth and direction, can make an individual rise to great heights. But even if you did not arrive from an ideal background, the article exemplifies the importance and beauty of focusing on new challenges and the fire to attempt to overcome obstacles.

We are examining the very core and primal ways of advancing yourself. It doesn't matter how many times you have failed in the past, or how many times you have won, but the ability and yearning to discover new things and challenge preconceptions from the past. By not being afraid of making new mistakes, and not allowing the ones from the past to bring you down, you have more of a chance of achieving new victories by closely analyzing the present to see how things could improve at their present stage.

It sounds very similar to my philosophy of "upward and onward."

And I would hate to give some sort of impression that just because a popular journal publishes an excerpt from a book it is automatically a fact, but rather I wanted to express my joy in reading something that is very closely aligned with my own mentality and principles.

A People's History of the United States

Howard Zinn has always been an author who has exposed me to many obscured and important facts about the United States, and though I do not agree with his pacifist politics, I hold him in high esteem of being a political author who has changed the way Americans view their previous history. And he is upfront about his intentions too, giving the important thesis in the beginning of his book A People's History of the United States with "...this book will be skeptical of governments and their attempts, through politics and culture, to ensnare ordinary people in a giant web of nationhood pretending to a common interest." In an oceanic abyss of bias and predetermined agenda when writing history books, his statement is quite admirable in that he doesn't disguise what point of view he is trying to present.

This year has already proved to be quite a vibrant battleground for the advancement of myself and the things I would like to accomplish in life, and Zinn's book is one that although I first came to read during my high school years, never finished, and that is something which will be accomplished in MMXII. Skepticism is not something which will be necessary for me to remember to utilize, it is already embedded in my nature. I am prepared to read history from a particular point of view, but what sets Zinn apart from other historians is his honesty and lack of fear to present unpopular facts about our nation's background.

Sometime in the future I would also like to read another version of American history, but for a starting point, the dissemination of obscured knowledge is a good introduction. I do not seek information - I want hardcore knowledge, and here lies the bedrock of government coverups and systematic Darwinian attempts of national expansion and population control.

Now, if you excuse me, I have a lot of reading to do...

July 3rd

"When I found out how to be what you want, I was out looking for something new."

Eat the World

There is a notebook sitting in the floor of my room scribbled with secret ideas and goals waiting to blossom and be brought to fruition. The difference between you and me is that when I say I'm going to do something, I do it. While you and the charlatans like to dance and sing like monkeys to the beat of your own electronic shits, there's real men paving the path to success and not being content with mere words on paper, the internet, or drunken rhetoric.

In February I made a promise to accomplish a certain goal and I am not ashamed to admit that I did not complete it, and today, yes, I'm here to give an excuse and explanation for why it was not completed. I entered into a relationship which consumed too much of my time and energy, and little time was left for me to do all the necessary tasks in my life. That's why I was not able to complete my physical fitness goals before my 21st birthday.

But I won't settle for empty promises. My life is in perfect arrangement to accomplish the shit I need to do, and those fitness goals WILL be completed. I just needed enough time to sort my paperwork, if you will.

There's other plans written in the notebook other than workout plans, and those too will be announced soon enough to my spectators, and I will, with every ounce of willpower, sweat, and blood in me, get them done. Now that I have the power to arrange my abstract thoughts into coherent concepts, I am ready to get started on making 2012 the most memorable year of my life. This is my recovery and the part in where results begin to churn out.

The End of the Beginning

Chaos is the color of my distorted and compulsive negative thoughts, but I never fail to fight and not let them take me over. There's simply too many ideas, concepts, symbols, motifs, philosophical findings, and realizations for me to keep up at times. Even worse - I'm the type of person who thoroughly analyzes criticism not out of low self-esteem but rather a thirst for objective knowledge. I am not a slave to solipsism.

But sometimes it can be too much. There are times in where I literally need to pull myself aside and calm down because my brain is flying through too many concepts, and too often negative judgements of myself begin to suffocate. I listen when people say something negative, because when you worship your own ego, it is necessary to remember that you are fallible and people can see a different side of you than you can, like different sides to a diamond. Confusion arises when you remember that most of the time people are not concerned about giving some sort of conflict resolution in constructive criticism, but rather they are taking advantage of the situation to attack you.

And I'm not the type of motherfucker to bow down - I bite back.

Sometimes people hold negative opinions of you because you question the way they think, or rock the boat, or question the norm. In the world of today, everyone feels entitled to titles without earning the merit it takes to receive those names. Just buy yourself a few piercings, tattoos, dance like a bamboo to techno diarrhea, and keep up with the alternative (which aren't really alternative when they are now the mainstream...) fashion styles and you'll buy yourself a first class admission to "non-conformity" or some sort of faux edgy stance on philosophy. Bullshit. Absolute crap.

Going against the grain is thoroughly testing everything and believing nothing, and when you break people's pre-established notions about the way things run, they begin to turn on you and fear you. Well, fuck them. I'm happy to accept the consequences of distorted and compulsive thoughts conjured by questioning the established order, and now I have learned how to organize that chaos and form coherent arguments and valid points.

In Churchhill's words, "You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life." Taking a stance and holding your own creates a defense against would be attackers. This year I am taking a stance on myself and destroying anything which is on my course to accomplishment of my goals.

It's July 1st - plenty of months left in the year to cause some real fucking damage.

2012

Next month will be my first anniversary in Portland. This was a place I merely imagined about reaching. I never thought I would actually have the power and circumstance to accomplish the fantasy of escaping California and moving here. At one point I had planned to move to Orlando - but that's a different story ending in even more accumulation of bad karma and debt... But I'm here, happier than I've been in all of my life, though it has not been easy.

The past few months I have been dealing with a lot of difficult issues, all necessary for the next journey in which I'm about to embark on. When you leave people behind, it might seem like you won't need to deal with them any longer, but one thing I have discovered is that like scabies, as soon as you think they are gone, you reap the after effects. Wraith. Bereavement. Confusion. Self-doubt and dire mental anguish.

It was very disheartening to be scapegoated for other people's problems, and worse, fighting off theft attempts of your accomplishments and favorite things in life. Guilt, irrational and unwarranted guilt is a fucking monster in disguise that I have been fending off, but now I've reached the understanding that to fight a disease like this you need to meet it at its core.

I laugh in cruel malevolence in seeing psychic vampires be shocked in my new adult independence, firm stance, and self-preservation. Neither they nor I thought I would have this fierce self-love, but "stand your ground" has undoubtedly been the echo of the beginning of 2012. But this year isn't over yet. Time is something which must be molded into the shape you wish to create, because it is spinning and if you don't place your hands on it, it will transform into something new whether you like it or not. So I'm here, ready to create things in my vision and will.

"I think I'm ready." And I am. Confidence will fill the air like a handsome and beautiful cologne. It's the last day of June so today's post is only natural in being the mark and ending of the first half of this year, and inauguration and rise of the second.

This isn't the part where I grow wings - this is the part in where I fucking fly.

Happiness In Revenge

The symbol of Baphomet was used by the Knights Templar to represent Satan. Through the ages this symbol has been called by many different names. Among these are: The Goat of Mendes, The Goat of a Thousand Young, The Black Goat, The Judas Goat, and perhaps the most appropriately, The Scapegoat.

Baphomet represents the Powers of Darkness combined with the generative fertility of the goat. In its "pure" form the pentagram is shown encompassing the figure of a man in the five points of the star - three points up, two pointing down - symbolizing man's spiritual nature. In Satanism the pentagram is also used, but since Satanism represents the carnal instincts of man, or the opposite of spiritual nature, the pentagram is inverted to perfectly accomodate the head of the goat - its horns, representing duality, thrust upwards in defiance; the other three points inverted, or the trinity denied. The Hebraic figures around the outer circle of the symbol which stem from the magical teachings of the Kabala, spell out "Leviathan", the serpent of the watery abyss, and identified with Satan. These figures correspond to the five points of the inverted star.

- Book of Belial, The Satanic Bible. ASL

You're So Vain

You're so vain, I'll bet you think this song is about you? Don't you? 

Passage of Time

It's June 6th again. Time passes by so fucking fast, I can't believe a year has passed since this previous date. It feels like it was only yesterday that I was typing up an angry blog post in a small room in Palo Alto, California about the significance of today. There's many different things that the 6th of June means to me - but the main illustration I'm trying I convey is my amazement, fear, and shock at how quickly time passes.

Age must play an important factor. Based on your brain chemistry, when you are younger time passes by much slower. I don't quite remember the exact mechanics behind it, but our brain waves are electrified in a way in which we are more connected with our surroundings and present time, a sharp contrast to the adrenaline, busy, and fast paced mentality we adopt as adults.

This serves as a good reminder to learn more about "alpha" and "beta" brain waves, something of which I'm sadly very uninformed about.

There's not much for me to say - just holy shit. Last year today I dreamed of walking downtown Portland listening to Manson's new album and today I did just that.

Time fucking flies.

Gone to Your Head

The world seems different depending on who you are with. I've noticed that my way of being, personality, mentality, perception of the world, and overall mood is subjective to whom I'm with. When I'm around someone who I am very silly with - the mood becomes quite comedic, not very serious, and playful. However around someone such as an employer or teacher, colors turn a bit more serious as well as my personality. It's interesting to note how the world becomes dependent on your surroundings. Walking around friendly and grungy Portland is delightful - much different from the fast paced commercial shopping mall of California.

Romantic relationships highlight this concept most of all. You're with a partner much more intimately and for longer stretches of time. To this day, listening to a track such as "Fucking Die 2 (€€ Cooper Mix)" by Skrillex takes me to distant Orlando, or AFI's Decemeberunderground returns me to San Francisco. With my ex-girlfriend I thought in terms of "street smart" or more down to earth and social perception, whereas with others things were more based on bulletin board-like/commercial/public perception or intellectualism combined with cosmic understanding of this life. It changes depending on whom I'm with... and I'll find with some to be drinking Four Loko's and with the other much more innocently painting a watercolor painting or staring at open skies.

They all also have a different perception of me as well as interpretation, and I was once, (but no longer), dependent on their perception of me for identity. A girlfriend's opinion of me meant everything to me, and if others found me to be pathetic, or the opposite, magnificent and epic, it did not matter - what my girl thought was what was important as well as winning her approval. But that was in the past, now I think in terms of "don't know which me that I love," since everyone you interact with, including friends, is going to have a different diamond-like view of you and interpretation.

I'm an introvert - so it is laughingly hilarious that I catch myself thinking of concepts such as this. Sometimes I need some time to be by myself in order to regain energy as well as be back in focus of who I am as a person. Apologies if it sounds like I am stating that as an obstacle or overall problem, it isn't, but rather an observation. My intention is to get the concept of "I define myself and sometimes I need to break free a bit to get a full view of the picture again" across.

One of the most important things I have learned in life and through observation of other people's troubles is the danger of falling into the abyss of becoming dependent on others for self-evaluation. This is most common with celebrities who feel exalted when they first hit fame - only to be brought down when their 15 minutes is down and negative opinions or constructive criticism becomes more prevalent, even if their ability and skill has been consistent the entire time.

That's why I do my best to accept a compliment, as well as insult, with a grain of salt, and instead of absorbing it for identity, see it as a specific interpretation. I'll judge my own skills and abilities based on performance and results - for anything else is dependent on anything other than objective reality.

Portland, Oregon

It never gets old.

D(E)AD

The Heart is Hard to Find

"Hey cruel world, we don't need your faith - we've got fucking fate..." 

....begins the 2012 Marilyn Manson album Born Villain and I have never felt so in sync and connected to an album of his as this one. The waste and turmoil of destructiveness was viciously discarded and arrogantly thrown like trash in California when I decided to move to Portland and start a new life. Now I'm rejoicing in productivity and joy of rebirth as I realize the sole "complication" in my life is understanding who I am. I can be whoever I want, and do whatever I want - and not in any sort of way bitching about the magnificent heaven I acquired, but giving you, the reader, a welcome into what is occurring in my head as of late. Whether you like it or not, I am what I am, and I decide whatever I am for I am among the subset of the human species that carve life, instead of letting it carve us. 

We've got fate because we create.

The album centers around Manson's identity and what kind of person he is, full of arrogance, confidence, and ego gratification. "I don't know which me that I love." Most of the themes I apply to myself. Who am I? Is my external perception limited to a sole individual, or do large groups define me? Do I define myself - or my actions? Ex-girlfriends? Teachers? Co-workers or fellow students? It doesn't matter, I love every multi-facet of me. Even the "flaws."

Starting a new life in a new city was quite an interesting experience. There has been much that I learned about myself that I didn't know existed, as well as my role within society and towards others. More than a few things I noticed were ripe for improvement, and my watering fangs are yearning to quickly rip and shred to build new monuments dedicated to my will. I'm free to do as I fucking please, and my life, now freshly equipped with new tools, has never been in a better position to finally do the things I want!

Jonathan Favenris now has resources, both tools to create and already created magic for me to learn and be inspired from.

"Home is where the heart is" was a line that defined a particular stage of my life back when I was a teenager, coupled with "...but home is nowhere." Well, "home is now", and what is home? How do I define my life? If this is where my heart is, what does my heart look like? Am I what people think of me, both negatively and positively, can someone be born a villain?

I don't know. Maybe I will never find the answer to that question, but at the end of it all, I'm fucking home, and with my wings spread, ready to fly and rise to my true nature - whatever it may be.

GRANDEUR

"...thus, from the war of nature, from famine and death, the most exalted object which we are capable of conceiving, namely. the production of the higher animals, directly follows. There is grandeur in this view of life, with its several powers, having been originally breathed into a few forms or into one; and that, whilst this planet has gone cycling on according to the fixed law of gravity, from so simple a beginning endless forms most beautiful and most wonderful have been, and are being, evolved."

https://www.facebook.com/distinctivetwilight

From so simple a beginning and I believe that endless exemplifications of love will evolve, over time, naturally. Let it begin.

A Year Later

She couldn't think of anything other than keeping us together, a victim of her inner little girl urges to hold on to a protector. And it scraped, as if cold metal, every part of my heart to remember the importance of willpower and ability to make objective decisions despite deep emotional attachment.

"I'm not in love."

Suffocation by Crystal Castles, officially released February 21, 2012.

This is what I am listening to at the moment.

Beyond Good & Evil

Power to Communicate

What is Lesser Magic?

Satanic Magic as defined by Dr. LaVey is "the change in situations or events in accordance with one's will, which would, using normally accepted methods, be unchangeable." There are two kinds: Lesser Magic, day to day social manipulation, and Greater Magic, introspective manipulation in a fantasy state of mind to be therapeutic psychodrama, which some people believe (including the author of this blog through empirical evidence) to cause effect in the real world. The latter will be covered in a future post, but today's writing will be about my respect for the natural practitioners of Lesser Magic...

Most people don't realize they use Lesser Magic in an almost daily basis. If you ever dress nicely for a job interview, or wear a handsome particular attire when going on a first date, you are using social manipulation to reach a specific result. Satanists and De-facto Satanists (those with Satanic attributes that either do not know about the religion or chose not to apply the label to themselves) are adepts in this art either consciously or unconsciously.

They don't just wear a nice shirt when up for an interview or a short skirt when they are trying to seduce - they speak, act, give scent, and position themselves to best enchant and manipulate the victim to their Will. You can be hideous and exaggerate your appearance to the point in where you can frighten someone into acting a particular way you want them to, or if you look "sweet" and "innocent" capitalize on that and make yourself look as harmless and sentimental as possible, making ulterior actions much more hidden.

Say you are a healthy fit female looking to seduce a man - a sexy set of clothes isn't the only tool you can use for your magic. Scent is another powerful tool. A healthy and fit human gives off a natural sweat that the opposite sex or homosexual will be turned on by. Or say should you desire to intimidate someone to do as you want, positioning your neck slightly upward and widening your eyes and looking at your prey with a blank look (as if you are looking through them) is a scientifically proven body language maneuver assuming dominance. The Satanic Witch gives more information and tips about LaVey's personal "bag of tricks" should this subject interest you further.

My respect for these magicians is grand, especially if they are self-aware of their actions and hold no remorse. Humans have always lived in a social darwinistic struggle for survival, and just because we are no longer beating each other with sticks and rocks (in the Western world, at least) it doesn't change our inherent combative nature. The AT&T salesman downtown is given bonuses for the more regional programs he is able to support with customers ("make 'em buy this phone, or buy this package"), the Fortune 500 employee can get a quicker promotion against equally skilled employees by gaining favoritism from his supervisor, or escape a speeding ticket by manipulating the police officer the right way. The examples are limitless, but a Satanic magician is one who is self-aware of this power and works to perfect it as a skill.

Women by nature are most often adepts in this skill as their best mode of offense in the natural world has been through the control of emotion rather than brute force. This is not to limit their gender to "social manipulation" but rather applaud a naturally occurring talent, such as a man has a naturally occurring talent of stronger muscles than his opposite sex counterpart. We all use Lesser Magic to an extent, and better understanding our nature and worshipping it, rather than condemning it, will provide the aspiring magician advantage over people still trapped in self-defeating guilt and shame.

A Morning In Quotes

"First you have to give up, first you have to know, not fear, that someday you're gonna die."

"The first soap was made from the ashes of heroes, like the first monkey shot into space. Without pain, without sacrifice, we would have nothing."

"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything. "

"Fuck off with your sofa units and green stripe patterns, I say never be complete, I say stop being perfect, I say let... lets evolve, let the chips fall where they may."

"The things you own end up owning you."

"You have a kind of sick desperation in your laugh."

"Fuck Martha Stewart!"

"This is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time."

"If you wake up at a different time, in a different place... could you wake up as a different person?"

"On a long enough timeline, the surviving rate for everybody drops to zero."

"Tyler was full of useful information."

"A nice big COCK!"

"You are not special. You're not a beautiful or unique snowflakes. You are the same decaying organic matter as everything else."

"We just had a near life experience!"

"I felt like putting a bullet between the eyes of every panda that wouldn't screw to save its species."

"You wanna make an omelette, you gotta break some eggs"

"Sooner or later, we all became what Tyler wanted us to be."

"In the world I see - you are stalking elk through the damp canyon forests around the ruins of Rockefeller Center. You'll wear leather clothes that will last you the rest of your life. You'll climb the wrist-thick kudzu vines that wrap the Sears Tower. And when you look down, you'll see tiny figures pounding corn, laying strips of venison on the empty car pool lane of some abandoned superhighway."

"All the ways you wish you could be, that's me. I look like you wanna look, I fuck like you wanna fuck, I am smart, capable, and most importantly, I am free in all the ways that you are not."

"You don't know where I've been. You don't know where I've been. Just let us have the basement, Lou!"

"A new car built by my company leaves somewhere traveling at 60 mph. The rear differential locks up. The car crashes and burns with everyone trapped inside. Now, should we initiate a recall? Take the number of vehicles in the field, A, multiply by the probable rate of failure, B, multiply by the average out-of-court settlement, C. A times B times C equals X. If X is less than the cost of a recall, we don't do one."

"You know, man, it could be worse. A woman could've cut off your penis while you were sleeping and toss it out the window of a moving car."

"Beautiful. We were selling rich women their fat asses back to them."

"No fear. No distractions. The ability to let that which does not matter truly slide."

"There are things about you that I like. You're smart, you're funny, you're... spectacular in bed... But you're intolerable! You have very serious emotional problems. Deep seated problems for which you should seek professional help" and he said, "Now a question of etiquette... as I pass, do I give you the ass or the crotch?"

"Fuck damnation, man! Fuck redemption! We are God's unwanted children? So be it! "

Amanda Von Richten

Within a single conversation with the achingly beautiful Amanda, you quickly discover that she is immune from the trivial interests of the common person. Her enthusiasm for knowledge sets her apart from her peers, and you could say that she shines in a bright Luciferian light. "Can we really calm our minds with pleasures? Or is it only temporary and insignificant?" Her understanding of the world goes far beyond her peers, concepts that would never even appear in their minds for a brief second.

We are two misanthropes isolated in our countries who crave for souls to communicate with, but will not lower our high standards towards ourselves and others. Disciplined and forever rising, Amanda & I refuse to not only give apologies for the emotions experienced on our path for success, but in bitter defiance reject complacent conformist behavior to "fit in."

The common man, flawed in his clinging desire for social approval and/or subjection to sloth-like apathy for the intellect, does such a horrible job at earning her eye's attention, that her very own feline companions do a better job at comforting her. People can't even begin to appreciate what she is passionate about, and I empathize with such sentiment as I feel equally isolated a world apart.

"There is nothing out there, in this decadent and rotting society, which can interest me. All the morals and standards, all the global interests, putrefied from their same core, simply make me sick.

How could I get distracted from anything intellectual and remarkable to to something as boring and ordinary and dull as a TV program?

But apparently, most people prefer to trade it, everything good for the vulgar, and therefore become themselves as interesting as toilet paper."

Elitism is self-defining, and though at the moment we may not in the places we are meant to be, our actions and words speak nothing short of the single word that will define this year: "rising."

Diligence & Nobility

Today I completed a difficult task that took me over six months to accomplish. It was perhaps one of the most difficult challenges I've embarked on so far, but my end result is absolutely worth fighting for. Charlatans used to infuriate me, but now I hold a healthy dose of apathy towards those fucking losers. People will eventually expose them for the frauds that they are, and it is refreshing to recognize that others feel the same way as I do about them.

Diligence and nobility reward the hard worker.

So now it's time for me to work on more items on my 2012 "to-do list." Physical fitness is now my first priority, and let it be known here that before March 25, 2012 I will be able to perform the following: 10 pull-ups, 50 crunches, and ability to run 3 miles under 18 minutes.

Sounds easy? Being the bold and audacious arrogant bastard that I am, all three tasks must be performed under the following conditions:

Pull-ups: "...correct starting position begins when the [participant's] arms are fully extended beneath the bar, feet are free from touching the ground or any bar mounting assist, and the body is motionless.

Legs may be positioned in a straight or bent position, but may not be raised above the waist.

One repetition consists of raising the body with the arms until the chin is above the bar, and then lowering the body until the arms are fully extended; repeat the exercise. At no time during the execution of this event can a [participant] rest his chin on the bar.

The intent is to execute a vertical “dead hang” pull-up. A certain amount of inherent body movement will occur as the pull-up is executed. However, the intent is to avoid a pendulum-like motion that enhances the ability to execute the pull-up. Whipping, kicking, kipping of the body or legs, or any leg movement used to assist in the vertical progression of the pull-up is not authorized."

Crunches: "Time limit is two minutes. In the correct starting position, participants are on their backs with their shoulder blades touching the deck, knees flexed and both feet flat on the deck. 

The arms are folded across and remain against the chest or rib cage with no gap between the forearms and the chest or rib cage when raising the upper body. 

One repetition consists of raising the upper body from the starting position until the elbows or forearms touch the thighs and then returning to the starting position with the shoulder blades touching the deck. No bouncing or arching of the lower back is authorized, and the buttocks will remain in constant contact with the deck throughout the exercise."

Running: Non-stop.

"...and then I told my weakness: fuck you, I won't do what you tell me!"

February of 2011 was the catalyst for one of the worst periods of my life, and I'm going to take advantage of such misfortunate as fuel to remember the scabies and trauma that can occur by not being diligent in the direction of your life, and the destructive and unproductive effects of self-doubt and limitless tolerance towards parasites in your life.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to blast some Rage Against the Machine and get to work.

The Face of God

‎"The strength of women comes from the fact that psychology cannot explain us. Men can be analyzed, women... merely adored." - Wilde

"To be loved, feelings must be rationed. To love, the doors of hysteria, fantasy, and madness may be flung open." - Anton LaVey