2014

I need to be more clear and specific now. I have experienced a series of events in the past months that have changed my life forever, and I have gained a lot of knowledge and as well as lost a lot through mistakes. I'm usually very metaphorical and poetic when I write, but I need to change that. I need to be more clear, and easily understood. Misinterpretations have ruined too much.

I'm ready to begin working on my band. Our name is Distinctive Twilight and I will be performing vocals and guitar. The name is inspired by the phrase "the fate of destruction is also the joy of rebirth." My variation of the Wolfsangel is our logo and it perfectly captures the core of our music. I'm not the first person in art to talk about the unification of the worlds of destruction and creation, nor will my music be limited to that, but the image conjured of a distinctive dusk or dawn is what I hope people will envision when they think of us. Besides, it's about time someone reclaimed that word away from the god-awful teenage vampire series. Some people will be upset by the fact that our logo was used by Nazi Germany - I can't really say anything other than pointing out that the first word in our band is "distinctive" and that the symbol can be traced back to ancient runes far back before Hitler was even born. Regardless, our art and intentions are pure, and I hope our integrity and passion for our work will be recognized.

There isn't a single ounce of musical talent in me, but that's something that I feel will be a representation of commitment and willpower. Words fail to provide justice to certain ideas in my head; I need music as another form of expression and hopefully people will be able to relate to what I/we have to express.

This isn't just about me, even though it's my project. I want people to experience something important when they attend our shows. I want them to make my music a part of them, a form of catharsis or comfort, a lucid dream they can join.

Additionally, I would like to speak about why I planned on joining the military, and why it did not work out. I feel that human survival depends on the competition for resources. Nations fight one another for them, and there are men and women putting their lives at risk so that we can enjoy luxuries that the majority of the population takes for granted. I don't feel comfortable with the knowledge that there are people right now making their hands dirty so that we can keep ours clean. I don't like that only a certain percentage of our nation's population is out doing essential duties to keep our country stable, even if its just economically.

From my experience, the majority of people who join the military are from a bad family or have limited life choices. I'm no exception to that. My father was abusive, my mother was a disgrace, and my sister deserted me. The opportunity to join was stripped from me because I am currently in the middle of an immigration procedure to help my mother return into the country. Despite no longer being in my life, she is still causing damage - but "fraudulent enlistment" is also another factor into why I was afraid of going forward into service, something I will not expand on but those knowledgeable can read between the lines. An investment with no return is not a smart decision.

Despite this, I still trust that I can find true family in the world, and there's been people I've met and had close to me that meant more to me, and me to them, than my own blood. We don't choose into which circumstances we are born into, but it's how we handle the cards that we are dealt that matter. This is why Satanism is such an important influence, and symbol, for what I believe in. Worship yourself, look out for what is in your best interest, cherish your loved ones, and take responsibility for your actions - especially your successes. As well, I love the fact that one's own birthday is the highest holiday.

I am not, and never have been, a follower or disciple of Satanism, it is just a religion that runs parallel to what I believe in, and labeling myself as a Satanist is just a way of describing myself more specifically. The term is commonly referred to so many different practices, but before Anton LaVey started his church in San Francisco, there was no organized group or set of beliefs labeling itself as such. Therefore, I highly encourage people who wish to read an intelligent, knowledgeable, and productive view/interpretation of the subject to read The Satanic Bible or visit www.churchofsatan.com

I will become an official member by the end of this year. Affiliation is purely a personal spiritual matter, not a need to provoke outrage or controversy.

Thank you for reading, and more will be posted shortly.

In Shadows Growing Wings

Insecurity, my greatest weakness.

In this year I have shredded every single mite of such disease that was left on my body when I was discarded and left to pray for rain. And when I'm God - the rain as commanded arrived.

When you live in an emotionally abusive household from the age of 13 until the day of freedom, the night before the 18th birthday, though you may survive, the remnants of such horrible torture can still infect your mind. Always questioning yourself, questioning your worth, never being enough in your imagination for whoever casts eyes on you, and the torturous feeling of unwarranted guilt.

And to enter the work force with the purest intentions, to only be eaten alive by predators with fake smiles and mile long personal agendas. You don't need to be in a war to see the ugly side of human nature, it occurs on a daily basis on every street corner, and every place which makes a dollar. Putting feathers up your ass doesn't make you a chicken, and wearing the aesthetic of concern like a good guy badge doesn't change an employer's actions.

I scorn and spit upon the masses who are dull enough to have their sensory abilities be sugared upon and sweetened to the point of blindness.  Undefiled wisdom is the true virtue in acquiring knowledge, even if the information gathered frightens you.

Test everything! Believe nothing.

In shadows growing wings, I was an innocent boy looking for home, and I was in a cocoon in the form of a cave - and now I have risen. Overneath.

Resuscitation of a Dead Man

This year in particular has been difficult for me because I wanted to be overneath those who drown in childhood trauma and weakness. For personal reasons I cannot disclose, I willingly entered into situations and events which I have always been afraid of, and examined myself and the way I react to such environments. Facing your fears, in my opinion, is the best combat against inner weakness.

Covered in bruises and injuries, I made it to the other side. There's not much that I can show for it externally, but coincidentally, part of not giving a fuck if you believe me or not is an example of my success.

Now that my tasks have been completed, it is safe to announce that I will be joining the Armed Forces. Last year I thought I was disqualified for eczema - but upon further examination, it wasn't that. I had slept with a girl who gave me scabies. Very similar fuckin' symptoms.

I look at the phrase "resuscitation of a dead man" and do not immediately think bringing somebody back to life, but instead bringing back a person ready to die. The most prime example of my rise this year is - I will not permit myself to drown in such abysmal pessimism.

November's word is CONTROL, and I am in control. The phrase means "the WILL to live."

So it is done.

J. Favenris

I don't do drugs. I don't worship the Devil. I'm an atheist who isn't afraid to question norms, and critical thinking would be described as my finest ability.

Sometimes I like to talk quite poetically, and fall into a lot of metaphors and allegorical writing. I can be emotional and write occasional "emo" bullshit.

I'm very worried about what people think of me because I am terrified of being misinterpreted. I am not afraid of being an asshole, I just want to only be seen as an asshole when I intend on being an asshole.

I'm not the best at socializing. I can be kind of awkward, and don't easily fit in with most groups of people.

Looking at my blog, I think people will look at me as some kind of weirdo talking about shit like "ravage", "war", "devour", and "slaughter."

That's all poetic, shit, man.

I'm a middle-class 21 year old Libertarian-ish atheist who is into the occult, dark imagery, and counterculture.

My biggest vice is probably being a bit too lazy for my own potential, or being too emo.

But I'm not ashamed of who I am, all I'm afraid of is stepping on your toes. So if I do, let me know, because if I like you, I'll apologize and step back. And if I don't, then I'll press my foot down harder.

"For a change, I'll refrain from hiding of all of me from you."

Finale

How do I begin to describe those wonderful months? 

Perhaps in the rash introduction - in where I aggressively stole you from an inadequate mate. There are moments in life in where you see something so beautiful that you don't care who it belongs to, your teeth NEED to bite into that neck or you need to grasp that gorgeous blonde hair. Here's the finale to that story.

I'm confident. This year has been brutal, just like I imagined. And I have risen, nay, I am overneath. And you were there since the beginning and now you are going to witness the end.

As of late I have been quiet on my blog, but do not take that as an indication of resignation or apathy. There has been much work completed in my Dayside goals - and I'm not ashamed to say that there were certain things I wanted to complete that I sincerely didn't have enough time for.

There is a tattoo on the back of my arm of which I will make a blog post about soon, but it is mainly a reminder of the importance of willpower. Instead of letting something decay, sometimes it is best to cut off at an appropriate time. I was not strong enough to do this with you when I knew I needed to, but at least I did at one point.

And I'm stronger now. BETTER.

"Lo que dios no te de, te tienes que robar."

There are many things in this world beyond our control, but the important thing to do is try, try, and try. You can't have success without trying, and when you lose - utilize the pain of defeat to rebuild yourself even better! Forever rising upward and onward.

For the passionate furious ones, when we can't accomplish something it's usually beyond our control. But we never forget the joy of victory - especially the dreamlike scenarios that remind you that there is indeed grandeur in this view of life. Don't ever let someone tell you you're not beautiful.

Eat the World

There is a notebook sitting in the floor of my room scribbled with secret ideas and goals waiting to blossom and be brought to fruition. The difference between you and me is that when I say I'm going to do something, I do it. While you and the charlatans like to dance and sing like monkeys to the beat of your own electronic shits, there's real men paving the path to success and not being content with mere words on paper, the internet, or drunken rhetoric.

In February I made a promise to accomplish a certain goal and I am not ashamed to admit that I did not complete it, and today, yes, I'm here to give an excuse and explanation for why it was not completed. I entered into a relationship which consumed too much of my time and energy, and little time was left for me to do all the necessary tasks in my life. That's why I was not able to complete my physical fitness goals before my 21st birthday.

But I won't settle for empty promises. My life is in perfect arrangement to accomplish the shit I need to do, and those fitness goals WILL be completed. I just needed enough time to sort my paperwork, if you will.

There's other plans written in the notebook other than workout plans, and those too will be announced soon enough to my spectators, and I will, with every ounce of willpower, sweat, and blood in me, get them done. Now that I have the power to arrange my abstract thoughts into coherent concepts, I am ready to get started on making 2012 the most memorable year of my life. This is my recovery and the part in where results begin to churn out.

2012

Next month will be my first anniversary in Portland. This was a place I merely imagined about reaching. I never thought I would actually have the power and circumstance to accomplish the fantasy of escaping California and moving here. At one point I had planned to move to Orlando - but that's a different story ending in even more accumulation of bad karma and debt... But I'm here, happier than I've been in all of my life, though it has not been easy.

The past few months I have been dealing with a lot of difficult issues, all necessary for the next journey in which I'm about to embark on. When you leave people behind, it might seem like you won't need to deal with them any longer, but one thing I have discovered is that like scabies, as soon as you think they are gone, you reap the after effects. Wraith. Bereavement. Confusion. Self-doubt and dire mental anguish.

It was very disheartening to be scapegoated for other people's problems, and worse, fighting off theft attempts of your accomplishments and favorite things in life. Guilt, irrational and unwarranted guilt is a fucking monster in disguise that I have been fending off, but now I've reached the understanding that to fight a disease like this you need to meet it at its core.

I laugh in cruel malevolence in seeing psychic vampires be shocked in my new adult independence, firm stance, and self-preservation. Neither they nor I thought I would have this fierce self-love, but "stand your ground" has undoubtedly been the echo of the beginning of 2012. But this year isn't over yet. Time is something which must be molded into the shape you wish to create, because it is spinning and if you don't place your hands on it, it will transform into something new whether you like it or not. So I'm here, ready to create things in my vision and will.

"I think I'm ready." And I am. Confidence will fill the air like a handsome and beautiful cologne. It's the last day of June so today's post is only natural in being the mark and ending of the first half of this year, and inauguration and rise of the second.

This isn't the part where I grow wings - this is the part in where I fucking fly.

Happiness In Revenge

The symbol of Baphomet was used by the Knights Templar to represent Satan. Through the ages this symbol has been called by many different names. Among these are: The Goat of Mendes, The Goat of a Thousand Young, The Black Goat, The Judas Goat, and perhaps the most appropriately, The Scapegoat.

Baphomet represents the Powers of Darkness combined with the generative fertility of the goat. In its "pure" form the pentagram is shown encompassing the figure of a man in the five points of the star - three points up, two pointing down - symbolizing man's spiritual nature. In Satanism the pentagram is also used, but since Satanism represents the carnal instincts of man, or the opposite of spiritual nature, the pentagram is inverted to perfectly accomodate the head of the goat - its horns, representing duality, thrust upwards in defiance; the other three points inverted, or the trinity denied. The Hebraic figures around the outer circle of the symbol which stem from the magical teachings of the Kabala, spell out "Leviathan", the serpent of the watery abyss, and identified with Satan. These figures correspond to the five points of the inverted star.

- Book of Belial, The Satanic Bible. ASL

Portland, Oregon

It never gets old.

D(E)AD

The Heart is Hard to Find

"Hey cruel world, we don't need your faith - we've got fucking fate..." 

....begins the 2012 Marilyn Manson album Born Villain and I have never felt so in sync and connected to an album of his as this one. The waste and turmoil of destructiveness was viciously discarded and arrogantly thrown like trash in California when I decided to move to Portland and start a new life. Now I'm rejoicing in productivity and joy of rebirth as I realize the sole "complication" in my life is understanding who I am. I can be whoever I want, and do whatever I want - and not in any sort of way bitching about the magnificent heaven I acquired, but giving you, the reader, a welcome into what is occurring in my head as of late. Whether you like it or not, I am what I am, and I decide whatever I am for I am among the subset of the human species that carve life, instead of letting it carve us. 

We've got fate because we create.

The album centers around Manson's identity and what kind of person he is, full of arrogance, confidence, and ego gratification. "I don't know which me that I love." Most of the themes I apply to myself. Who am I? Is my external perception limited to a sole individual, or do large groups define me? Do I define myself - or my actions? Ex-girlfriends? Teachers? Co-workers or fellow students? It doesn't matter, I love every multi-facet of me. Even the "flaws."

Starting a new life in a new city was quite an interesting experience. There has been much that I learned about myself that I didn't know existed, as well as my role within society and towards others. More than a few things I noticed were ripe for improvement, and my watering fangs are yearning to quickly rip and shred to build new monuments dedicated to my will. I'm free to do as I fucking please, and my life, now freshly equipped with new tools, has never been in a better position to finally do the things I want!

Jonathan Favenris now has resources, both tools to create and already created magic for me to learn and be inspired from.

"Home is where the heart is" was a line that defined a particular stage of my life back when I was a teenager, coupled with "...but home is nowhere." Well, "home is now", and what is home? How do I define my life? If this is where my heart is, what does my heart look like? Am I what people think of me, both negatively and positively, can someone be born a villain?

I don't know. Maybe I will never find the answer to that question, but at the end of it all, I'm fucking home, and with my wings spread, ready to fly and rise to my true nature - whatever it may be.

GRANDEUR

"...thus, from the war of nature, from famine and death, the most exalted object which we are capable of conceiving, namely. the production of the higher animals, directly follows. There is grandeur in this view of life, with its several powers, having been originally breathed into a few forms or into one; and that, whilst this planet has gone cycling on according to the fixed law of gravity, from so simple a beginning endless forms most beautiful and most wonderful have been, and are being, evolved."

https://www.facebook.com/distinctivetwilight

From so simple a beginning and I believe that endless exemplifications of love will evolve, over time, naturally. Let it begin.

A Morning In Quotes

"First you have to give up, first you have to know, not fear, that someday you're gonna die."

"The first soap was made from the ashes of heroes, like the first monkey shot into space. Without pain, without sacrifice, we would have nothing."

"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything. "

"Fuck off with your sofa units and green stripe patterns, I say never be complete, I say stop being perfect, I say let... lets evolve, let the chips fall where they may."

"The things you own end up owning you."

"You have a kind of sick desperation in your laugh."

"Fuck Martha Stewart!"

"This is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time."

"If you wake up at a different time, in a different place... could you wake up as a different person?"

"On a long enough timeline, the surviving rate for everybody drops to zero."

"Tyler was full of useful information."

"A nice big COCK!"

"You are not special. You're not a beautiful or unique snowflakes. You are the same decaying organic matter as everything else."

"We just had a near life experience!"

"I felt like putting a bullet between the eyes of every panda that wouldn't screw to save its species."

"You wanna make an omelette, you gotta break some eggs"

"Sooner or later, we all became what Tyler wanted us to be."

"In the world I see - you are stalking elk through the damp canyon forests around the ruins of Rockefeller Center. You'll wear leather clothes that will last you the rest of your life. You'll climb the wrist-thick kudzu vines that wrap the Sears Tower. And when you look down, you'll see tiny figures pounding corn, laying strips of venison on the empty car pool lane of some abandoned superhighway."

"All the ways you wish you could be, that's me. I look like you wanna look, I fuck like you wanna fuck, I am smart, capable, and most importantly, I am free in all the ways that you are not."

"You don't know where I've been. You don't know where I've been. Just let us have the basement, Lou!"

"A new car built by my company leaves somewhere traveling at 60 mph. The rear differential locks up. The car crashes and burns with everyone trapped inside. Now, should we initiate a recall? Take the number of vehicles in the field, A, multiply by the probable rate of failure, B, multiply by the average out-of-court settlement, C. A times B times C equals X. If X is less than the cost of a recall, we don't do one."

"You know, man, it could be worse. A woman could've cut off your penis while you were sleeping and toss it out the window of a moving car."

"Beautiful. We were selling rich women their fat asses back to them."

"No fear. No distractions. The ability to let that which does not matter truly slide."

"There are things about you that I like. You're smart, you're funny, you're... spectacular in bed... But you're intolerable! You have very serious emotional problems. Deep seated problems for which you should seek professional help" and he said, "Now a question of etiquette... as I pass, do I give you the ass or the crotch?"

"Fuck damnation, man! Fuck redemption! We are God's unwanted children? So be it! "

Diligence & Nobility

Today I completed a difficult task that took me over six months to accomplish. It was perhaps one of the most difficult challenges I've embarked on so far, but my end result is absolutely worth fighting for. Charlatans used to infuriate me, but now I hold a healthy dose of apathy towards those fucking losers. People will eventually expose them for the frauds that they are, and it is refreshing to recognize that others feel the same way as I do about them.

Diligence and nobility reward the hard worker.

So now it's time for me to work on more items on my 2012 "to-do list." Physical fitness is now my first priority, and let it be known here that before March 25, 2012 I will be able to perform the following: 10 pull-ups, 50 crunches, and ability to run 3 miles under 18 minutes.

Sounds easy? Being the bold and audacious arrogant bastard that I am, all three tasks must be performed under the following conditions:

Pull-ups: "...correct starting position begins when the [participant's] arms are fully extended beneath the bar, feet are free from touching the ground or any bar mounting assist, and the body is motionless.

Legs may be positioned in a straight or bent position, but may not be raised above the waist.

One repetition consists of raising the body with the arms until the chin is above the bar, and then lowering the body until the arms are fully extended; repeat the exercise. At no time during the execution of this event can a [participant] rest his chin on the bar.

The intent is to execute a vertical “dead hang” pull-up. A certain amount of inherent body movement will occur as the pull-up is executed. However, the intent is to avoid a pendulum-like motion that enhances the ability to execute the pull-up. Whipping, kicking, kipping of the body or legs, or any leg movement used to assist in the vertical progression of the pull-up is not authorized."

Crunches: "Time limit is two minutes. In the correct starting position, participants are on their backs with their shoulder blades touching the deck, knees flexed and both feet flat on the deck. 

The arms are folded across and remain against the chest or rib cage with no gap between the forearms and the chest or rib cage when raising the upper body. 

One repetition consists of raising the upper body from the starting position until the elbows or forearms touch the thighs and then returning to the starting position with the shoulder blades touching the deck. No bouncing or arching of the lower back is authorized, and the buttocks will remain in constant contact with the deck throughout the exercise."

Running: Non-stop.

"...and then I told my weakness: fuck you, I won't do what you tell me!"

February of 2011 was the catalyst for one of the worst periods of my life, and I'm going to take advantage of such misfortunate as fuel to remember the scabies and trauma that can occur by not being diligent in the direction of your life, and the destructive and unproductive effects of self-doubt and limitless tolerance towards parasites in your life.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to blast some Rage Against the Machine and get to work.

All of the Lights

"ALL OF THE LIGHTS, EVERY NIGHT. ALL OF THE LIGHTS."

My life is an iridescent heaven. It's not so much due to what I acquired, but rather the very fact that I dreamt something and brought it to fruition. I was a child, then a teen, and now an adult. At this very moment I am "in a Portland coffee shop, typing out a new blog post on my computer, and enjoying the sound of gentle delicate rain on the window" and it is not even September.

This is still only the beginning. Very well could I construct a sentence that perfectly outlines what I have to say, but our dear friend Friedrich W. Nietzsche has already articulated it for me...

"Not contentment, but more power; not peace at any price, but war; not virtue, but efficiency... What is good? All that heightens the feeling of power in man, the will to power."

...as has my dark father Dr. LaVey, "Magic: The change in situations or events in accordance with one's will, which would, using normally accepted methods, be unchangeable."

But for now, I breathe in these seconds, the seconds of a foggy afternoon, with damp trees, a gray sky, beautiful women and intelligent men walking down the street, a state more in tune with nature and devoid of commercialism and fame, and a city that welcomed me  like a new friend.

I feel at home.

Upward & Onward

Because other people in the world don't have the same self-awareness to the degree in which I do, I feel responsible to be the best person that I can be in all aspects of my life. The majority of the human herd go about their day blindly, subscribing to whatever their society and immediate social circles (which includes family) asks them to do, whether directly or subliminally. We, "with the eyes to see", even as children, have an extra dash of critical thinking that makes us question things that the masses are too afraid to do so.

The reason why it is so difficult for me to move on from my relationships is not so much out of traces of longing love, but regret in the context of personal development and how I could have went about things differently. A perfectionist, you could say. When I'm with somebody that I love, I'm the best lover, protector, beloved, and supporter that I can be because I chose them and want to give them the affection that they deserve. And as hard as I try, I can't seem to ignore the idiots that roam this planet that treat their significant other with the same amount of care that they would to a dumb drunk broad they met at the pub. I'm no saint, I have done many things in the past that I regret, but it is because of the fact that I contemplate on how I could have went about things differently that I am making some sort of amendment to my mistakes.

It's grotesque how most simply cry to love songs or curse their ex-lover in a phone tantrum without even attempting to see their side of mistakes, or observe the situation from an objective point of view. Pitiful.

My infuriated spite has been a great source of productive energy. It is evident right now - without the Untermenschen dancing around like jackasses, clothed in their parent's money, throwing away their financial aid by smoking pot in front of a donut shop, and crashing their (rather stated, their parent-bought) car every other week, I would have not had the fear of becoming like them, and therefore, will and motivation to accomplish my dream to move to Portland and carve life, instead of letting it carve me.

Under no circumstances am I stating to be elite other than a higher critical thinking ability, but rather that the majority of the world is filled with walking corpses, programmed by religion, government, social conditioning, capitalistic advertisements, society, and they are below, while I, and "those with the eyes to see", rise upward and onward.

Afterlife

"...I just want to thank everybody for being so patient, and bearing with me over these last couple of years, while I figure this shit out."

"After death", "Hereafter", "Next world", the "Other side."

I woke up at noon in the middle of a warm Californian January with intense dread. A relationship gone sour, a job that didn't meet my own standards, I could not attend college, did not have the opportunity to achieve any of my life goals, and I was stuck in California, a place that was no longer a sweet home but a sticky and warm climate of mediocrity and smugness. Despair was the sickening static state of mind that would color itself into my life; I did not think that things could get better.

There wasn't a jolt of excitement or inspiration for me to fuel on, just carcinogic umbilical cords that slowly were killing me and would not let me go. There were all these promises, an upcoming job promotion, a scheduled move to Florida with my then girlfriend, possible financial aid for school, a better social life, but in the end it all turned out to be shit and it's my fault for not trusting my instincts.

None of those plans would make me happy, but because I am my own worst enemy, I felt like that is all I deserved. I forced myself into thinking that the plan of working two jobs and few classes at a local community college was "good luck", that I would receive a higher job promotion because of my skills and knowledge, but instead proved to be a valuable resource for my employers in the static position I was in, forced myself to be with somebody I wasn't happy with because I didn't think I deserved any better, and that California was a land to which I should give allegiance to, despite the fact that it is an overpriced wasteland of delusions of grandeur with a debt that is fatter than its infestation of fake trees, supermarkets, highways, and flip flops.

And of course, I couldn't afford a car so in California that means you don't have much of a social life.

Some people are weak enough to live life passively and allow it to move them wherever the wind blows, but "those with the eyes to see" utilize willpower to carve life into the shape they want. I just needed time to "do my paperwork" if you will. I spent a few more minutes in my bed that morning and made a step-by-step list of things I needed to do in order to get to the place I wanted to be. As my mentor Boyd Rice once said, accomplishing things in life is simple, it's a matter of getting from point A to point B, but most people in the world are too stupid to take the first step.

Viciously in the coming months I attacked all the obstacles in my way. I left my manipulative girlfriend, planned a transfer into a new company with work better related to my future career, looked into better housing with the city I wanted to move into, and planned out a health and fitness plan to improve my overall quality of life. I split my feelings of obligation that I had for my friends in California and decided that the only person I should be entitled to protect is myself, others are grown people and need to make their own accomplishments/mistakes.

As with most things I get a late start on, I end up accomplishing them faster than I thought I would. Am I happy? Hell yes, happier than I have ever been in my entire life. In days in where "of late, it's harder just to go outside" I now cheerfully walk the streets of Northwest Portland and breathe in the refreshing oxygen from the abundant trees, rub my cheek against the colorful flowers reflecting the Summer sun, and flirt with the gorgeous antique homes and buildings.

So as I take a sip of this delicious latte, in my head I make a toast to all those stuck in dark places and wish them hope. Despair is a suffocating smoke that clouds up all thinking, but fight for that fucking little small dash of light in the distance. You may end up reaching it faster than you'd think.

Life, it does get better.

FAVENRIS RISING

"Most of us live our whole lives without any real adventure to call our own. Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around. The fate of destruction is also the joy of rebirth."

Waiting for the End

I'm a couple of hours from leaving California. I have lived here my entire life and been out of state very few times. About two years ago I made the decision to move to Portland, but there were too many things holding me back. Work, relationships, family, obligations. It was as if these things were an umbilical cord holding me back from growing into the person I want to be.

And now I've finally managed to work those piles of paper on my desk and get to the place I want. There wasn't a single person helping me along the way. I don't have parents to pay for my college costs, they don't give me a job at their place of employment, they don't pay my rent or buy me a car. Absolutely everything that I have acquired has been through my own hard work, and I remember feeling frustrated and worried that once I received the fruit of my labor, I wouldn't appreciate it. But I do.

7. Acknowledge the power of magic if you have employed it successfully to obtain your desires. If you deny the power of magic after having called upon it with success, you will lose all you have obtained.

What I'm experiencing is a feeling of incineration into some sort of final stage in my life. It's as if I'm inflamed amongst a languid herd, rising upward and onward. Life is a never ending opportunity to make yourself better.

Goodbye San Francisco

June 6th

I don't have the time or energy to write about today's significance. There are other more important tasks that require my time. Instead, the day can be summarized in a single sentence:

"He dumped me. It is normal for passion to fade away in a relationship and that is why he left me. Sooner or later, he will discover that a girl doesn't let passion last forever either."

My uppity moral lesson for this blog post?

girlswillmanipulateyouineverywaythattheycanthinkofsothatyouwontleavethemandwillcontinouslyblameyoufortheirhurtsothattheycanimplantaseedofguiltthatwillconsumeyou.

Boom, done, now I got better shit to do.