Burials Pt. I (Introduction)

It was in the dark, and I was breathing into the mirror. My reflection began to blur, almost morph, and I knew there was nothing to be afraid of, but regardless, the image scared me. I knew I was turning older, wiser, and into something, someone, else. There’s many benefits that come with age, but unfortunately it is also one step closer to death. I finished my meditation and walked out the door.

There was an urge for me to walk, so I entered into the cold night and the song “A Deep Slow Panic” sent shivers down my spine. The new album by AFI named “Burials” was just recently released and my synchronicity with the theme and content manner was shocking. I needed to go to the Lovecraft bar for some reason. It was like an instinct.

There was something within me that was almost being led by the sky above. The melodies were like liquid electricity, and I had an urge to scream, cut, shout, or fuck. Letting go of counterproductive pride, I texted Alexis back and we spoke for a while. Our conversation shall remain private, but it was highly cathartic. I passed by a freemason building and felt an eery feeling, almost as if the grand architect himself was trying to send me a sign. I brushed the feeling away as a delusion, but then again, to any psychiatrist, spirituality is a delusion.

After I crossed the Hawthorne bridge, I looked up at the large and orange moon and wondered what existed beyond our sensory systems. It’s impossible to know, and there’s many groups of humans that have organized ideas and concepts, but then again, with such method of thinking, the possibilities of what this is all about are endless. Prayer or worship doesn’t accomplish anything, it is merely fierce will. If that’s not a higher power, I don’t know what the fuck is.

I started a conversation with a homeless man at a gas station on route. He was wearing a shirt or pants supporting the Navy and said that it was done out of respect for someone in his family. When I asked how he supported himself, he told me that he goes to a local church and assists in exchange for food. There was shame in me for tolerating “holier than thou” douchebags in my life who exhibit hypocritical behavior that makes them feel superior to this individual, yet cling to their good-guy badge. He wasn’t any part of my responsibility, but I surprised him with a few dollars anyway before stepping away.

Inside the bar I struck an enlightening conversation with the bartender. The room was illuminated by gorgeous and haunting blue and green lights, and there weren’t many people there yet. Fog filled the room lightly, and I could still feel the lifeforce from the night prior. We spoke about Dr. LaVey and I explained to her the concept of a total environment, which is an artificial environment designed to enrapture an individual’s imagination towards a particular concept, whether it be a real or imaginary location, a time period, or a situation. The Lovecraft bar was a portal into another world, you could literally smell it in the air. I have had many good experiences here.

And the best one walked through the door.

As I finished my drink, I looked at the girl next to me and she was talking to the bartender, explaining how this was her first time here, and how much she admired it already. A deep slow panic struck me, and before she had the opportunity to pay for her beverage, I put it on my tab.

And that is how I was introduced to V.

Let Go

"How disgusting." I can't tell which character I am, but yes - you are.

It ended so simply. Since the end of high school I tried to sustain our friendship despite her self-destructive behavior, and it hurt trying to stop something from dying. But finally the flames of destruction became too much to breathe, and when you notice that the recipient you are attempting to help does nothing in assistance, and worse, hurts you, the spirit has no choice but to LET GO.

I vanished her from my life: a conclusion so simple, yet brutal. Immediately all the feelings of resentment and hurt vanished as well.

You were my sister.

There is no Us.

You are no longer in my life.

I fucking tried.

Fuck you.

I fucking tried.

At the Bottom of Everything

"So there was this woman, and she was on an airplane. And she was flying to meet her fiancé seaming high above the largest ocean on planet Earth! She was seated next to this man she had tried to start conversation with, but the only thing she really heard him say was to order "Bloody Mary"...

She was sitting there and she was reading this really arduous magazine article about a third world country that she couldn't pronounce the name of. And she was feeling very bored and despondent.

And then suddenly, there was this huge mechanical failure, and one of the engines gave out!

And they started just falling 3,000 feet!

And the pilot's on the microphone and he's saying "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, go my God... I'm sorry." And apologizing. And she looks at the man and says, "where are we going?" and he looks at her and he says....

"We're going to a party. It's a birthday party. It's your birthday party. Happy birthday, darling. We love you very, very, very much."

And he starts humming this little tune, it kind of goes like this: 1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4..."