Orlando

Sunsets have always held a feeling of anxiety, sadness, and the reminder of death, but this twilight was different. Looking at Astrid's angelic face in front of the dying California sky was a picture in words - a poem about a teenage story concluded.

The 1920's invented the teenager. With the increased popularity of automobiles, older kids began socializing away from home, in turn sparking a flame in the economic marketplace with which we now know as "nightlife." Parents would give them an allowance to spend at restaurants, shows, events. Sporadic bolts of sexual hormones combined with relative privacy popularized "dates", "boyfriends", "girlfriends", and many sex sessions inside a car on the top of a hill somewhere.

Cars gave children a small taste of adulthood - an illusion of independence. "I can drive away from home and hang out with my friends. I'm a big boy now."

When I listen to "Scary Monsters and Shiny Sprites" I taste the desolation of a wide and half-empty street, the taste of Orlando's expansive sky, and an angry and ever so beautiful girl shouting obscenities and crying while driving her father's car. My mind also shuffles portraits of Mountain View's disgustingly normal 4pm life.

Do I regret moving to Portland? Abandoning my best friends in carcinogenic California, or discarding the beautiful Orlando lights and blonde sky imprinted with my name on the ribcage? Not for a single second.

Absolutely everything that I have acquired has been through my own hard work. I was never granted the gift of a car, and by extension, the illusion of independence that so many like to cling to as if it was their personal Jesus. No - I created my own independence, not settling for a mere hologram, and carved my own niche for "lo que dios no te de, te tienes que robar."

Closing this year in a magnificent paradise, I can safely say that I am overneath the path of misery.

The End of the World

"The end of the world doesn't come suddenly and without warning. To imagine it does, is to be fooled by popular misconception and thus fail to recognize the larger picture. The end of the world is an ongoing process. It starts slowly, imperceptibly, and blossoms unnoticed in our very midst, until it has engufled all that there is and none is free from its grasp.

All that humankind thinks is great and mighty is but a disease upon life and must be made to perish if life is to continue. That which modern man worshiped as being grand and noble is but an affliction. All that has given the appearance of granting freedom to mankind, has in fact ordained its enslavement, impairing, and crippling from within while outwardly bearing the banner of liberty. The body of humanity has been poisoned, and even as it strives for new horizons and constant advancement, rigor mortis has preceded the approach of death and the lives of men are dragged into the grave along with it.

Seek now those motions that sow for humanity the seeds of death as they harvest for you the bounty of life."

- Boyd Rice

A People's History of the United States

Howard Zinn has always been an author who has exposed me to many obscured and important facts about the United States, and though I do not agree with his pacifist politics, I hold him in high esteem of being a political author who has changed the way Americans view their previous history. And he is upfront about his intentions too, giving the important thesis in the beginning of his book A People's History of the United States with "...this book will be skeptical of governments and their attempts, through politics and culture, to ensnare ordinary people in a giant web of nationhood pretending to a common interest." In an oceanic abyss of bias and predetermined agenda when writing history books, his statement is quite admirable in that he doesn't disguise what point of view he is trying to present.

This year has already proved to be quite a vibrant battleground for the advancement of myself and the things I would like to accomplish in life, and Zinn's book is one that although I first came to read during my high school years, never finished, and that is something which will be accomplished in MMXII. Skepticism is not something which will be necessary for me to remember to utilize, it is already embedded in my nature. I am prepared to read history from a particular point of view, but what sets Zinn apart from other historians is his honesty and lack of fear to present unpopular facts about our nation's background.

Sometime in the future I would also like to read another version of American history, but for a starting point, the dissemination of obscured knowledge is a good introduction. I do not seek information - I want hardcore knowledge, and here lies the bedrock of government coverups and systematic Darwinian attempts of national expansion and population control.

Now, if you excuse me, I have a lot of reading to do...

Eat the World

There is a notebook sitting in the floor of my room scribbled with secret ideas and goals waiting to blossom and be brought to fruition. The difference between you and me is that when I say I'm going to do something, I do it. While you and the charlatans like to dance and sing like monkeys to the beat of your own electronic shits, there's real men paving the path to success and not being content with mere words on paper, the internet, or drunken rhetoric.

In February I made a promise to accomplish a certain goal and I am not ashamed to admit that I did not complete it, and today, yes, I'm here to give an excuse and explanation for why it was not completed. I entered into a relationship which consumed too much of my time and energy, and little time was left for me to do all the necessary tasks in my life. That's why I was not able to complete my physical fitness goals before my 21st birthday.

But I won't settle for empty promises. My life is in perfect arrangement to accomplish the shit I need to do, and those fitness goals WILL be completed. I just needed enough time to sort my paperwork, if you will.

There's other plans written in the notebook other than workout plans, and those too will be announced soon enough to my spectators, and I will, with every ounce of willpower, sweat, and blood in me, get them done. Now that I have the power to arrange my abstract thoughts into coherent concepts, I am ready to get started on making 2012 the most memorable year of my life. This is my recovery and the part in where results begin to churn out.

Portland, Oregon

It never gets old.

D(E)AD

The Heart is Hard to Find

"Hey cruel world, we don't need your faith - we've got fucking fate..." 

....begins the 2012 Marilyn Manson album Born Villain and I have never felt so in sync and connected to an album of his as this one. The waste and turmoil of destructiveness was viciously discarded and arrogantly thrown like trash in California when I decided to move to Portland and start a new life. Now I'm rejoicing in productivity and joy of rebirth as I realize the sole "complication" in my life is understanding who I am. I can be whoever I want, and do whatever I want - and not in any sort of way bitching about the magnificent heaven I acquired, but giving you, the reader, a welcome into what is occurring in my head as of late. Whether you like it or not, I am what I am, and I decide whatever I am for I am among the subset of the human species that carve life, instead of letting it carve us. 

We've got fate because we create.

The album centers around Manson's identity and what kind of person he is, full of arrogance, confidence, and ego gratification. "I don't know which me that I love." Most of the themes I apply to myself. Who am I? Is my external perception limited to a sole individual, or do large groups define me? Do I define myself - or my actions? Ex-girlfriends? Teachers? Co-workers or fellow students? It doesn't matter, I love every multi-facet of me. Even the "flaws."

Starting a new life in a new city was quite an interesting experience. There has been much that I learned about myself that I didn't know existed, as well as my role within society and towards others. More than a few things I noticed were ripe for improvement, and my watering fangs are yearning to quickly rip and shred to build new monuments dedicated to my will. I'm free to do as I fucking please, and my life, now freshly equipped with new tools, has never been in a better position to finally do the things I want!

Jonathan Favenris now has resources, both tools to create and already created magic for me to learn and be inspired from.

"Home is where the heart is" was a line that defined a particular stage of my life back when I was a teenager, coupled with "...but home is nowhere." Well, "home is now", and what is home? How do I define my life? If this is where my heart is, what does my heart look like? Am I what people think of me, both negatively and positively, can someone be born a villain?

I don't know. Maybe I will never find the answer to that question, but at the end of it all, I'm fucking home, and with my wings spread, ready to fly and rise to my true nature - whatever it may be.

GRANDEUR

"...thus, from the war of nature, from famine and death, the most exalted object which we are capable of conceiving, namely. the production of the higher animals, directly follows. There is grandeur in this view of life, with its several powers, having been originally breathed into a few forms or into one; and that, whilst this planet has gone cycling on according to the fixed law of gravity, from so simple a beginning endless forms most beautiful and most wonderful have been, and are being, evolved."

https://www.facebook.com/distinctivetwilight

From so simple a beginning and I believe that endless exemplifications of love will evolve, over time, naturally. Let it begin.

Diligence & Nobility

Today I completed a difficult task that took me over six months to accomplish. It was perhaps one of the most difficult challenges I've embarked on so far, but my end result is absolutely worth fighting for. Charlatans used to infuriate me, but now I hold a healthy dose of apathy towards those fucking losers. People will eventually expose them for the frauds that they are, and it is refreshing to recognize that others feel the same way as I do about them.

Diligence and nobility reward the hard worker.

So now it's time for me to work on more items on my 2012 "to-do list." Physical fitness is now my first priority, and let it be known here that before March 25, 2012 I will be able to perform the following: 10 pull-ups, 50 crunches, and ability to run 3 miles under 18 minutes.

Sounds easy? Being the bold and audacious arrogant bastard that I am, all three tasks must be performed under the following conditions:

Pull-ups: "...correct starting position begins when the [participant's] arms are fully extended beneath the bar, feet are free from touching the ground or any bar mounting assist, and the body is motionless.

Legs may be positioned in a straight or bent position, but may not be raised above the waist.

One repetition consists of raising the body with the arms until the chin is above the bar, and then lowering the body until the arms are fully extended; repeat the exercise. At no time during the execution of this event can a [participant] rest his chin on the bar.

The intent is to execute a vertical “dead hang” pull-up. A certain amount of inherent body movement will occur as the pull-up is executed. However, the intent is to avoid a pendulum-like motion that enhances the ability to execute the pull-up. Whipping, kicking, kipping of the body or legs, or any leg movement used to assist in the vertical progression of the pull-up is not authorized."

Crunches: "Time limit is two minutes. In the correct starting position, participants are on their backs with their shoulder blades touching the deck, knees flexed and both feet flat on the deck. 

The arms are folded across and remain against the chest or rib cage with no gap between the forearms and the chest or rib cage when raising the upper body. 

One repetition consists of raising the upper body from the starting position until the elbows or forearms touch the thighs and then returning to the starting position with the shoulder blades touching the deck. No bouncing or arching of the lower back is authorized, and the buttocks will remain in constant contact with the deck throughout the exercise."

Running: Non-stop.

"...and then I told my weakness: fuck you, I won't do what you tell me!"

February of 2011 was the catalyst for one of the worst periods of my life, and I'm going to take advantage of such misfortunate as fuel to remember the scabies and trauma that can occur by not being diligent in the direction of your life, and the destructive and unproductive effects of self-doubt and limitless tolerance towards parasites in your life.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to blast some Rage Against the Machine and get to work.

Marines

In a very unstable period of my life, I felt that joining the Marines was the only option I had for myself to advance and feel accomplished. Other branches of the armed forces did not interest me at all because I wanted to experience the biggest challenge available. To this day I can't help but feel anything other than admiration and respect for anybody who has been able to survive the Crucible and met all standards in Recruit Training Depot at Parris Island or San Diego. It is the ultimate test of will for an American.

Additionally this is a good time to mention that I have been on my own in one way or another since the age of 18. In order to receive federal financial aid within the United States you need to show your parent's tax information except if one of the following applies to you:

• You have a family member or child as a dependent
• You are married
• You are under the age of 24 and both of your parents are deceased
• You were a ward of your state until you were 18 years of age
• You are 24 years of age or older
• You are a member of the United States Armed Forces
• You were a foster child after the age of 13
• You are an emancipated child as determined by a court judge
• You are homeless or at risk of homelessness as determined by the director of a HUD approved homeless shelter, transitional program, or high school liaison.

None of those apply to me and when I was homeless I did not gather any documentation describing my status. So essentially, if I want to go to school before the age of 24 I have to pay for it out of my own pocket.

Joining the Marines was a great option for me because it would consider me a "member of the United States Armed Forces" and it also came with much of my schooling being paid for. My intentions were to join either an intelligence or communications MOS with a development plan to become an Officer. After four years of active service, I planned on coming back and immediately joining the Police Academy to which I would have been well prepared for with plenty of training already accomplished and good solid experience.

I was attending weekly USMC Poole sessions and overall preparing myself to head off  to bootcamp sometime in June or July, until something was brought to my attention that devastated me.

When I saw that haunting paragraph it felt like my world had been destroyed. The despair was so crushing I could not even shed a tear. My life felt like it had no way of getting better and that I would forever be stuck in a static position filled with the stench of broken relationships, unsatisfying work conditions, goals forever postponed and a feeling of entrapment in my own complacent persona. Unmovable. Stuck. Trapped. Static.

The remorseful conversation I had with my Staff Sargent confirmed that eczema is a strong disqualification because it is considered an open wound and causes complications with the small pox vaccine given to every member of the Armed Forces.

With this incredibly rich life option being taken out of my grasp, my mind turned into a defeatist cycle of darkness and despair. I will always remember April 2011 as a dizzy and turbulant circle with California's retarded sunshine heating up my room and my face as I did my routine of biking 10 miles daily to work. But this counterproductive attitude did not last long, and around the time of this blog post entry I started reverting back to my original plan of moving to Portland.

Now I'm living in a state of accomplished desire and I am working simultaneously on getting even more work done. There will always be an unsatisfied yearning to go through bootcamp and receive that highly valuable experience, but there is something an ex-girlfriend once told me that excites me and makes me feel there is still a chance for personal redemption though will:

Jonathan: "I'm impressed by the training soldiers go through, with drill instructors yelling at them all the time and pushing their limits."

R: "Well it's more impressive if those soldiers were able to push their limits without drill instructors. It's more difficult this way too."

And that's my plan.