2012

Next month will be my first anniversary in Portland. This was a place I merely imagined about reaching. I never thought I would actually have the power and circumstance to accomplish the fantasy of escaping California and moving here. At one point I had planned to move to Orlando - but that's a different story ending in even more accumulation of bad karma and debt... But I'm here, happier than I've been in all of my life, though it has not been easy.

The past few months I have been dealing with a lot of difficult issues, all necessary for the next journey in which I'm about to embark on. When you leave people behind, it might seem like you won't need to deal with them any longer, but one thing I have discovered is that like scabies, as soon as you think they are gone, you reap the after effects. Wraith. Bereavement. Confusion. Self-doubt and dire mental anguish.

It was very disheartening to be scapegoated for other people's problems, and worse, fighting off theft attempts of your accomplishments and favorite things in life. Guilt, irrational and unwarranted guilt is a fucking monster in disguise that I have been fending off, but now I've reached the understanding that to fight a disease like this you need to meet it at its core.

I laugh in cruel malevolence in seeing psychic vampires be shocked in my new adult independence, firm stance, and self-preservation. Neither they nor I thought I would have this fierce self-love, but "stand your ground" has undoubtedly been the echo of the beginning of 2012. But this year isn't over yet. Time is something which must be molded into the shape you wish to create, because it is spinning and if you don't place your hands on it, it will transform into something new whether you like it or not. So I'm here, ready to create things in my vision and will.

"I think I'm ready." And I am. Confidence will fill the air like a handsome and beautiful cologne. It's the last day of June so today's post is only natural in being the mark and ending of the first half of this year, and inauguration and rise of the second.

This isn't the part where I grow wings - this is the part in where I fucking fly.

Happiness In Revenge

The symbol of Baphomet was used by the Knights Templar to represent Satan. Through the ages this symbol has been called by many different names. Among these are: The Goat of Mendes, The Goat of a Thousand Young, The Black Goat, The Judas Goat, and perhaps the most appropriately, The Scapegoat.

Baphomet represents the Powers of Darkness combined with the generative fertility of the goat. In its "pure" form the pentagram is shown encompassing the figure of a man in the five points of the star - three points up, two pointing down - symbolizing man's spiritual nature. In Satanism the pentagram is also used, but since Satanism represents the carnal instincts of man, or the opposite of spiritual nature, the pentagram is inverted to perfectly accomodate the head of the goat - its horns, representing duality, thrust upwards in defiance; the other three points inverted, or the trinity denied. The Hebraic figures around the outer circle of the symbol which stem from the magical teachings of the Kabala, spell out "Leviathan", the serpent of the watery abyss, and identified with Satan. These figures correspond to the five points of the inverted star.

- Book of Belial, The Satanic Bible. ASL

You're So Vain

You're so vain, I'll bet you think this song is about you? Don't you? 

Passage of Time

It's June 6th again. Time passes by so fucking fast, I can't believe a year has passed since this previous date. It feels like it was only yesterday that I was typing up an angry blog post in a small room in Palo Alto, California about the significance of today. There's many different things that the 6th of June means to me - but the main illustration I'm trying I convey is my amazement, fear, and shock at how quickly time passes.

Age must play an important factor. Based on your brain chemistry, when you are younger time passes by much slower. I don't quite remember the exact mechanics behind it, but our brain waves are electrified in a way in which we are more connected with our surroundings and present time, a sharp contrast to the adrenaline, busy, and fast paced mentality we adopt as adults.

This serves as a good reminder to learn more about "alpha" and "beta" brain waves, something of which I'm sadly very uninformed about.

There's not much for me to say - just holy shit. Last year today I dreamed of walking downtown Portland listening to Manson's new album and today I did just that.

Time fucking flies.

Gone to Your Head

The world seems different depending on who you are with. I've noticed that my way of being, personality, mentality, perception of the world, and overall mood is subjective to whom I'm with. When I'm around someone who I am very silly with - the mood becomes quite comedic, not very serious, and playful. However around someone such as an employer or teacher, colors turn a bit more serious as well as my personality. It's interesting to note how the world becomes dependent on your surroundings. Walking around friendly and grungy Portland is delightful - much different from the fast paced commercial shopping mall of California.

Romantic relationships highlight this concept most of all. You're with a partner much more intimately and for longer stretches of time. To this day, listening to a track such as "Fucking Die 2 (€€ Cooper Mix)" by Skrillex takes me to distant Orlando, or AFI's Decemeberunderground returns me to San Francisco. With my ex-girlfriend I thought in terms of "street smart" or more down to earth and social perception, whereas with others things were more based on bulletin board-like/commercial/public perception or intellectualism combined with cosmic understanding of this life. It changes depending on whom I'm with... and I'll find with some to be drinking Four Loko's and with the other much more innocently painting a watercolor painting or staring at open skies.

They all also have a different perception of me as well as interpretation, and I was once, (but no longer), dependent on their perception of me for identity. A girlfriend's opinion of me meant everything to me, and if others found me to be pathetic, or the opposite, magnificent and epic, it did not matter - what my girl thought was what was important as well as winning her approval. But that was in the past, now I think in terms of "don't know which me that I love," since everyone you interact with, including friends, is going to have a different diamond-like view of you and interpretation.

I'm an introvert - so it is laughingly hilarious that I catch myself thinking of concepts such as this. Sometimes I need some time to be by myself in order to regain energy as well as be back in focus of who I am as a person. Apologies if it sounds like I am stating that as an obstacle or overall problem, it isn't, but rather an observation. My intention is to get the concept of "I define myself and sometimes I need to break free a bit to get a full view of the picture again" across.

One of the most important things I have learned in life and through observation of other people's troubles is the danger of falling into the abyss of becoming dependent on others for self-evaluation. This is most common with celebrities who feel exalted when they first hit fame - only to be brought down when their 15 minutes is down and negative opinions or constructive criticism becomes more prevalent, even if their ability and skill has been consistent the entire time.

That's why I do my best to accept a compliment, as well as insult, with a grain of salt, and instead of absorbing it for identity, see it as a specific interpretation. I'll judge my own skills and abilities based on performance and results - for anything else is dependent on anything other than objective reality.

Portland, Oregon

It never gets old.

D(E)AD

The Heart is Hard to Find

"Hey cruel world, we don't need your faith - we've got fucking fate..." 

....begins the 2012 Marilyn Manson album Born Villain and I have never felt so in sync and connected to an album of his as this one. The waste and turmoil of destructiveness was viciously discarded and arrogantly thrown like trash in California when I decided to move to Portland and start a new life. Now I'm rejoicing in productivity and joy of rebirth as I realize the sole "complication" in my life is understanding who I am. I can be whoever I want, and do whatever I want - and not in any sort of way bitching about the magnificent heaven I acquired, but giving you, the reader, a welcome into what is occurring in my head as of late. Whether you like it or not, I am what I am, and I decide whatever I am for I am among the subset of the human species that carve life, instead of letting it carve us. 

We've got fate because we create.

The album centers around Manson's identity and what kind of person he is, full of arrogance, confidence, and ego gratification. "I don't know which me that I love." Most of the themes I apply to myself. Who am I? Is my external perception limited to a sole individual, or do large groups define me? Do I define myself - or my actions? Ex-girlfriends? Teachers? Co-workers or fellow students? It doesn't matter, I love every multi-facet of me. Even the "flaws."

Starting a new life in a new city was quite an interesting experience. There has been much that I learned about myself that I didn't know existed, as well as my role within society and towards others. More than a few things I noticed were ripe for improvement, and my watering fangs are yearning to quickly rip and shred to build new monuments dedicated to my will. I'm free to do as I fucking please, and my life, now freshly equipped with new tools, has never been in a better position to finally do the things I want!

Jonathan Favenris now has resources, both tools to create and already created magic for me to learn and be inspired from.

"Home is where the heart is" was a line that defined a particular stage of my life back when I was a teenager, coupled with "...but home is nowhere." Well, "home is now", and what is home? How do I define my life? If this is where my heart is, what does my heart look like? Am I what people think of me, both negatively and positively, can someone be born a villain?

I don't know. Maybe I will never find the answer to that question, but at the end of it all, I'm fucking home, and with my wings spread, ready to fly and rise to my true nature - whatever it may be.

GRANDEUR

"...thus, from the war of nature, from famine and death, the most exalted object which we are capable of conceiving, namely. the production of the higher animals, directly follows. There is grandeur in this view of life, with its several powers, having been originally breathed into a few forms or into one; and that, whilst this planet has gone cycling on according to the fixed law of gravity, from so simple a beginning endless forms most beautiful and most wonderful have been, and are being, evolved."

https://www.facebook.com/distinctivetwilight

From so simple a beginning and I believe that endless exemplifications of love will evolve, over time, naturally. Let it begin.