Prayers

 

I need to learn, but one thing I trust in is that our intentions imprint in this world. I've prayed, transcendent delineating indication of the spirit through the dimensions of time & space into the universe. The waters of the soul reflecting back into the infinite through tears. In the darkness, I've prayed through the forces of death & life for her. Touching the oxygen of the beyond, tears into the transmundane infinite.

There's truth in the details of the light Paul of Tarsus saw on his trip, like trees in the desperate grasp for oxygen in the soul of a man trapped in the darkness. "Damascus" is being written into a song, it's about her. But despite the peaceful tranquility the man observed, that light is impossible to be as beautiful as her eyes in that Orlando park.

Haunted by the Light

 

At the Bottom of Everything

"So there was this woman, and she was on an airplane. And she was flying to meet her fiancé seaming high above the largest ocean on planet Earth! She was seated next to this man she had tried to start conversation with, but the only thing she really heard him say was to order "Bloody Mary"...

She was sitting there and she was reading this really arduous magazine article about a third world country that she couldn't pronounce the name of. And she was feeling very bored and despondent.

And then suddenly, there was this huge mechanical failure, and one of the engines gave out!

And they started just falling 3,000 feet!

And the pilot's on the microphone and he's saying "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, go my God... I'm sorry." And apologizing. And she looks at the man and says, "where are we going?" and he looks at her and he says....

"We're going to a party. It's a birthday party. It's your birthday party. Happy birthday, darling. We love you very, very, very much."

And he starts humming this little tune, it kind of goes like this: 1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4..."

2012

Next month will be my first anniversary in Portland. This was a place I merely imagined about reaching. I never thought I would actually have the power and circumstance to accomplish the fantasy of escaping California and moving here. At one point I had planned to move to Orlando - but that's a different story ending in even more accumulation of bad karma and debt... But I'm here, happier than I've been in all of my life, though it has not been easy.

The past few months I have been dealing with a lot of difficult issues, all necessary for the next journey in which I'm about to embark on. When you leave people behind, it might seem like you won't need to deal with them any longer, but one thing I have discovered is that like scabies, as soon as you think they are gone, you reap the after effects. Wraith. Bereavement. Confusion. Self-doubt and dire mental anguish.

It was very disheartening to be scapegoated for other people's problems, and worse, fighting off theft attempts of your accomplishments and favorite things in life. Guilt, irrational and unwarranted guilt is a fucking monster in disguise that I have been fending off, but now I've reached the understanding that to fight a disease like this you need to meet it at its core.

I laugh in cruel malevolence in seeing psychic vampires be shocked in my new adult independence, firm stance, and self-preservation. Neither they nor I thought I would have this fierce self-love, but "stand your ground" has undoubtedly been the echo of the beginning of 2012. But this year isn't over yet. Time is something which must be molded into the shape you wish to create, because it is spinning and if you don't place your hands on it, it will transform into something new whether you like it or not. So I'm here, ready to create things in my vision and will.

"I think I'm ready." And I am. Confidence will fill the air like a handsome and beautiful cologne. It's the last day of June so today's post is only natural in being the mark and ending of the first half of this year, and inauguration and rise of the second.

This isn't the part where I grow wings - this is the part in where I fucking fly.

You're So Vain

You're so vain, I'll bet you think this song is about you? Don't you? 

Gone to Your Head

The world seems different depending on who you are with. I've noticed that my way of being, personality, mentality, perception of the world, and overall mood is subjective to whom I'm with. When I'm around someone who I am very silly with - the mood becomes quite comedic, not very serious, and playful. However around someone such as an employer or teacher, colors turn a bit more serious as well as my personality. It's interesting to note how the world becomes dependent on your surroundings. Walking around friendly and grungy Portland is delightful - much different from the fast paced commercial shopping mall of California.

Romantic relationships highlight this concept most of all. You're with a partner much more intimately and for longer stretches of time. To this day, listening to a track such as "Fucking Die 2 (€€ Cooper Mix)" by Skrillex takes me to distant Orlando, or AFI's Decemeberunderground returns me to San Francisco. With my ex-girlfriend I thought in terms of "street smart" or more down to earth and social perception, whereas with others things were more based on bulletin board-like/commercial/public perception or intellectualism combined with cosmic understanding of this life. It changes depending on whom I'm with... and I'll find with some to be drinking Four Loko's and with the other much more innocently painting a watercolor painting or staring at open skies.

They all also have a different perception of me as well as interpretation, and I was once, (but no longer), dependent on their perception of me for identity. A girlfriend's opinion of me meant everything to me, and if others found me to be pathetic, or the opposite, magnificent and epic, it did not matter - what my girl thought was what was important as well as winning her approval. But that was in the past, now I think in terms of "don't know which me that I love," since everyone you interact with, including friends, is going to have a different diamond-like view of you and interpretation.

I'm an introvert - so it is laughingly hilarious that I catch myself thinking of concepts such as this. Sometimes I need some time to be by myself in order to regain energy as well as be back in focus of who I am as a person. Apologies if it sounds like I am stating that as an obstacle or overall problem, it isn't, but rather an observation. My intention is to get the concept of "I define myself and sometimes I need to break free a bit to get a full view of the picture again" across.

One of the most important things I have learned in life and through observation of other people's troubles is the danger of falling into the abyss of becoming dependent on others for self-evaluation. This is most common with celebrities who feel exalted when they first hit fame - only to be brought down when their 15 minutes is down and negative opinions or constructive criticism becomes more prevalent, even if their ability and skill has been consistent the entire time.

That's why I do my best to accept a compliment, as well as insult, with a grain of salt, and instead of absorbing it for identity, see it as a specific interpretation. I'll judge my own skills and abilities based on performance and results - for anything else is dependent on anything other than objective reality.

A Year Later

She couldn't think of anything other than keeping us together, a victim of her inner little girl urges to hold on to a protector. And it scraped, as if cold metal, every part of my heart to remember the importance of willpower and ability to make objective decisions despite deep emotional attachment.

"I'm not in love."

Suffocation by Crystal Castles, officially released February 21, 2012.

This is what I am listening to at the moment.

Beyond Good & Evil

Power to Communicate

"Breathe, breathe in the air."