Gone to Your Head

The world seems different depending on who you are with. I've noticed that my way of being, personality, mentality, perception of the world, and overall mood is subjective to whom I'm with. When I'm around someone who I am very silly with - the mood becomes quite comedic, not very serious, and playful. However around someone such as an employer or teacher, colors turn a bit more serious as well as my personality. It's interesting to note how the world becomes dependent on your surroundings. Walking around friendly and grungy Portland is delightful - much different from the fast paced commercial shopping mall of California.

Romantic relationships highlight this concept most of all. You're with a partner much more intimately and for longer stretches of time. To this day, listening to a track such as "Fucking Die 2 (€€ Cooper Mix)" by Skrillex takes me to distant Orlando, or AFI's Decemeberunderground returns me to San Francisco. With my ex-girlfriend I thought in terms of "street smart" or more down to earth and social perception, whereas with others things were more based on bulletin board-like/commercial/public perception or intellectualism combined with cosmic understanding of this life. It changes depending on whom I'm with... and I'll find with some to be drinking Four Loko's and with the other much more innocently painting a watercolor painting or staring at open skies.

They all also have a different perception of me as well as interpretation, and I was once, (but no longer), dependent on their perception of me for identity. A girlfriend's opinion of me meant everything to me, and if others found me to be pathetic, or the opposite, magnificent and epic, it did not matter - what my girl thought was what was important as well as winning her approval. But that was in the past, now I think in terms of "don't know which me that I love," since everyone you interact with, including friends, is going to have a different diamond-like view of you and interpretation.

I'm an introvert - so it is laughingly hilarious that I catch myself thinking of concepts such as this. Sometimes I need some time to be by myself in order to regain energy as well as be back in focus of who I am as a person. Apologies if it sounds like I am stating that as an obstacle or overall problem, it isn't, but rather an observation. My intention is to get the concept of "I define myself and sometimes I need to break free a bit to get a full view of the picture again" across.

One of the most important things I have learned in life and through observation of other people's troubles is the danger of falling into the abyss of becoming dependent on others for self-evaluation. This is most common with celebrities who feel exalted when they first hit fame - only to be brought down when their 15 minutes is down and negative opinions or constructive criticism becomes more prevalent, even if their ability and skill has been consistent the entire time.

That's why I do my best to accept a compliment, as well as insult, with a grain of salt, and instead of absorbing it for identity, see it as a specific interpretation. I'll judge my own skills and abilities based on performance and results - for anything else is dependent on anything other than objective reality.

Upward & Onward

Because other people in the world don't have the same self-awareness to the degree in which I do, I feel responsible to be the best person that I can be in all aspects of my life. The majority of the human herd go about their day blindly, subscribing to whatever their society and immediate social circles (which includes family) asks them to do, whether directly or subliminally. We, "with the eyes to see", even as children, have an extra dash of critical thinking that makes us question things that the masses are too afraid to do so.

The reason why it is so difficult for me to move on from my relationships is not so much out of traces of longing love, but regret in the context of personal development and how I could have went about things differently. A perfectionist, you could say. When I'm with somebody that I love, I'm the best lover, protector, beloved, and supporter that I can be because I chose them and want to give them the affection that they deserve. And as hard as I try, I can't seem to ignore the idiots that roam this planet that treat their significant other with the same amount of care that they would to a dumb drunk broad they met at the pub. I'm no saint, I have done many things in the past that I regret, but it is because of the fact that I contemplate on how I could have went about things differently that I am making some sort of amendment to my mistakes.

It's grotesque how most simply cry to love songs or curse their ex-lover in a phone tantrum without even attempting to see their side of mistakes, or observe the situation from an objective point of view. Pitiful.

My infuriated spite has been a great source of productive energy. It is evident right now - without the Untermenschen dancing around like jackasses, clothed in their parent's money, throwing away their financial aid by smoking pot in front of a donut shop, and crashing their (rather stated, their parent-bought) car every other week, I would have not had the fear of becoming like them, and therefore, will and motivation to accomplish my dream to move to Portland and carve life, instead of letting it carve me.

Under no circumstances am I stating to be elite other than a higher critical thinking ability, but rather that the majority of the world is filled with walking corpses, programmed by religion, government, social conditioning, capitalistic advertisements, society, and they are below, while I, and "those with the eyes to see", rise upward and onward.