Winners Don't Shiver

I don’t deny I shiver. When the cold shower sprays down my neck, I turn the faucet over and increase the intensity of the cold temperature. It makes me feel awake. It’s like a thousand knives stabbing into my

body, and truly introduces meaning into the phrase “mind over body” and I’d be a liar if I said I wasn’t still tied to the carnal, the part that seeks comfort & warmth. But I do it anyway.

Transcendence is a word that was introduced into my brain by the local black magician Diabolus Rex, magus of the Chaos Imperium. I never believed there was something “out there.” But in his interviews I’ve never been so thoroughly informed about the Left-Hand Path in a form that I instinctually understood through personal verification and plain understanding of what I’ve read. I think the inertia of sexuality determines spirituality, in the direction of this force. Dedicating your Qi to things beyond the flesh, brings brightness into your eyes in an unspeakable way. There are no words to describe this phenomena, it is beyond definition or mathematical calculation. The thing that is important to understand is that individual choices have importance.

I think it was Aleister Crowley who said that every act, intention, is a magical act.

Little by little, I turn the faucet a little bit colder. In these days I find cutting to be despicable, and I think physical fitness is the path to true development. Both methods are the same, accomplishing the purpose of catharsis by inflicting pain, but one will leave you weaker and the other stronger. There is the deepest level of respect for the U.S. Navy Seals in my soul, facing death in their training sessions. 

In the darkest dawn, turning in push-ups in the fierce dark beach finding strength through pain. Not to mention they are the first responders to an urgent “diplomatic” mission. Their brutality leaves them with the option to shiver internally only. It’s the desire to overcome and push beyond physical limitations to protect.

There’s pride in me sucking off strong men, but it is difficult quenching the thirst of obliterating the desolate and weak. The tearing of flesh, destroying skinny bones in desperate thirst to obliterate decadence

in the garden of Darwin and to continue the paint it has coated over the plants and nature. I’m desperate for competition, seeking those stronger than I am. In fact, I praise them. I thirst for the more intelligent, to be impacted and obtain virtue through force. To look into the eyes of a man better than me and force him to bow.

In the direction of this force, I’m desperate for competition. I seek those stronger than I am, in fact I praise them. The plants, the animals, that inner instinct that transcends and penetrates through the nothingness into a defined being.

I opened the shower curtain and looked directly into the mirror, and just like the instinct of a boy kissing a girl for the first time I unconsciously raised my arms like a dying corpse on a cross and insultingly looked into the mirror. It was blasphemous. This unholy frown was too intense to be incorrectly seen as the mocking & duplicitous smile it was intended to be; I became shocked.

This look looked scary but divine.

There’s something in it that was truly beautiful, but it felt like cutting into my own personal spirit. It felt wrong.

I felt it.

I’ve been numb to the presence of things in the beyond that I’ve felt cutting others, or following this philosophy, is the only path to being in touch with the divine. But I think instead of looking for this thing outside, I’m forced to admit that I shiver in the cold water. There’s soldiers that finish and pass their tests, but do not finish in perfection. I shiver. Just like push-up that is imperfect.

There’s always going to be limitations in life, this is the direct purpose under which you were designed for. It won’t ever happen - pushing beyond the divine, but I understand transgression. I’m not interested in doing that look in the mirror again. He was someone who understood that people fuck up on their test. It is intelligent to understand pain because injury differentiates from discernment. It’s direct perception that instructs, but it is subjective and inevitably you’re going to fuck up. There's objective judgement.

I shiver.

But I turn the cold water temperature colder, because I want to learn and go to church.

Eat the World

There is a notebook sitting in the floor of my room scribbled with secret ideas and goals waiting to blossom and be brought to fruition. The difference between you and me is that when I say I'm going to do something, I do it. While you and the charlatans like to dance and sing like monkeys to the beat of your own electronic shits, there's real men paving the path to success and not being content with mere words on paper, the internet, or drunken rhetoric.

In February I made a promise to accomplish a certain goal and I am not ashamed to admit that I did not complete it, and today, yes, I'm here to give an excuse and explanation for why it was not completed. I entered into a relationship which consumed too much of my time and energy, and little time was left for me to do all the necessary tasks in my life. That's why I was not able to complete my physical fitness goals before my 21st birthday.

But I won't settle for empty promises. My life is in perfect arrangement to accomplish the shit I need to do, and those fitness goals WILL be completed. I just needed enough time to sort my paperwork, if you will.

There's other plans written in the notebook other than workout plans, and those too will be announced soon enough to my spectators, and I will, with every ounce of willpower, sweat, and blood in me, get them done. Now that I have the power to arrange my abstract thoughts into coherent concepts, I am ready to get started on making 2012 the most memorable year of my life. This is my recovery and the part in where results begin to churn out.

Diligence & Nobility

Today I completed a difficult task that took me over six months to accomplish. It was perhaps one of the most difficult challenges I've embarked on so far, but my end result is absolutely worth fighting for. Charlatans used to infuriate me, but now I hold a healthy dose of apathy towards those fucking losers. People will eventually expose them for the frauds that they are, and it is refreshing to recognize that others feel the same way as I do about them.

Diligence and nobility reward the hard worker.

So now it's time for me to work on more items on my 2012 "to-do list." Physical fitness is now my first priority, and let it be known here that before March 25, 2012 I will be able to perform the following: 10 pull-ups, 50 crunches, and ability to run 3 miles under 18 minutes.

Sounds easy? Being the bold and audacious arrogant bastard that I am, all three tasks must be performed under the following conditions:

Pull-ups: "...correct starting position begins when the [participant's] arms are fully extended beneath the bar, feet are free from touching the ground or any bar mounting assist, and the body is motionless.

Legs may be positioned in a straight or bent position, but may not be raised above the waist.

One repetition consists of raising the body with the arms until the chin is above the bar, and then lowering the body until the arms are fully extended; repeat the exercise. At no time during the execution of this event can a [participant] rest his chin on the bar.

The intent is to execute a vertical “dead hang” pull-up. A certain amount of inherent body movement will occur as the pull-up is executed. However, the intent is to avoid a pendulum-like motion that enhances the ability to execute the pull-up. Whipping, kicking, kipping of the body or legs, or any leg movement used to assist in the vertical progression of the pull-up is not authorized."

Crunches: "Time limit is two minutes. In the correct starting position, participants are on their backs with their shoulder blades touching the deck, knees flexed and both feet flat on the deck. 

The arms are folded across and remain against the chest or rib cage with no gap between the forearms and the chest or rib cage when raising the upper body. 

One repetition consists of raising the upper body from the starting position until the elbows or forearms touch the thighs and then returning to the starting position with the shoulder blades touching the deck. No bouncing or arching of the lower back is authorized, and the buttocks will remain in constant contact with the deck throughout the exercise."

Running: Non-stop.

"...and then I told my weakness: fuck you, I won't do what you tell me!"

February of 2011 was the catalyst for one of the worst periods of my life, and I'm going to take advantage of such misfortunate as fuel to remember the scabies and trauma that can occur by not being diligent in the direction of your life, and the destructive and unproductive effects of self-doubt and limitless tolerance towards parasites in your life.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to blast some Rage Against the Machine and get to work.

Burnside Running

One of the most exquisite things I have enjoyed in Portland is my weekly runs from the East side of town to the West. Crossing the Burnside Bridge with a red face, sweaty scalp, and the strong desire to collapse and fall, but utilizing the last ounce of will in me to keep pushing for those last 5 miles, is pure ecstasy to the point in where I consider it somewhat sexual. I'm sure there is a dash of masochism in the mix somewhere, but the real thrill is knowing my limits... and pushing my workout even further.

I consider it to be the truest "will to power", in where literally and physically you are practicing that standard. There's a difference between reading something and understanding it logically, and carnally comprehending something. When my face is covered in sweat, and my heart is burning as if I just swallowed an entire pint of hot sauce, I revel in the pain knowing that it is only making me stronger. The more it hurts, the more I enjoy it, and the healthier I am left at the end of the day.

Weights aren't my favorite thing, they are a shortcut to getting a fit body. You won't see a single dumbbell in Parris Island or San Diego, but instead a complete 12 o'clock alpha male drill instructor screaming into your face to keep doing pushups. I envy that intense motivation, but I'm not a stranger to being without a parental advisor/counselor.

As hard as it is, I have to be my own parent, my own drill instructor, my own enemy. It's difficult to combat your own innate laziness. All too often I look at the people at the gym and am irritated at their smug belief that simply being there is combating laziness. It's not just about keeping a particular standard - it's about propelling yourself forward!

A salute to war, self-violence, and the will to power.

Marines Corps Medical Disqualification

There is a strong chance that I have a medical condition that will disqualify me from joining the Marines Corps. Initially I felt strongly disappointed, and later in the day I experienced some relief.

This was supposed to be the ultimate redemption, a way to clear my head, and able to be comfortable in my own skin. I'm highly elitist, and judge myself and others harshly. Passing the challenge of Marine Corps boot camp would have been my lifelong pride. Taking it a step further, going into active service for four years as I planned, and experiencing war was something else I looked forward to.

Another case of "walking the talk."

And now that I've reviewed the medical conditions throughly I'm thrown back into my life, and I don't know what to do. Should I continue training? Is there a chance that I may not have eczema, but some dry skin condition that doesn't disqualify me?

I'm confused also with how I feel. There's relief in that I won't be in a desert with bullets soaring past me, and that I can continue living in the civilian world, but I have also lost one of the biggest challenges that a human can experience....