FAVENRIS RISING

"Most of us live our whole lives without any real adventure to call our own. Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around. The fate of destruction is also the joy of rebirth."

Waiting for the End

I'm a couple of hours from leaving California. I have lived here my entire life and been out of state very few times. About two years ago I made the decision to move to Portland, but there were too many things holding me back. Work, relationships, family, obligations. It was as if these things were an umbilical cord holding me back from growing into the person I want to be.

And now I've finally managed to work those piles of paper on my desk and get to the place I want. There wasn't a single person helping me along the way. I don't have parents to pay for my college costs, they don't give me a job at their place of employment, they don't pay my rent or buy me a car. Absolutely everything that I have acquired has been through my own hard work, and I remember feeling frustrated and worried that once I received the fruit of my labor, I wouldn't appreciate it. But I do.

7. Acknowledge the power of magic if you have employed it successfully to obtain your desires. If you deny the power of magic after having called upon it with success, you will lose all you have obtained.

What I'm experiencing is a feeling of incineration into some sort of final stage in my life. It's as if I'm inflamed amongst a languid herd, rising upward and onward. Life is a never ending opportunity to make yourself better.

Not Afraid

I change my mind often. You could say I'm indecisive about a lot of things. My intentions are always pure, or at least, I can recognize what they are before I do something. But my goals and plans change because I often discover new ways of accomplishing what I want.

Speaking to an ex-girlfriend, if she could even be considered a once "girlfriend", I discovered a lot about myself. Insecurities, fears, and overall things that I am not pleased with myself on, or that I think could be done better. There's a good chance she is reading this, I think she follows this blog, but no matter. I have no intentions of contacting her again because relationships break, and if you try to put them back together, it can be solid, but glued on broken pieces. I don't want to disrupt her life any further, and I don't want her to do the same to me either.

"Very well, you have made your choice. I will never contact you again and will ignore all contact from you for the rest of my life. You were the perfect relationship I lost. I'm sorry for my mistakes, and take care of yourself."

That's all she needs to remember me by.

The list of goals and things I'd like to see in my life get sharper. Not necessarily longer, but more confirmed and focused in a sense. I don't want to go to God forsaken Florida. My life is just starting and there's no need for me to settle down with one person, or decide my fate.

I still have a strong desire to join the Marines but only for the personal self-pride of surviving bootcamp and combat action. That's a wrong way to enter, it should be out of patriotism, and heh, I'm the last one to be patriotic. I don't take pride in my race, my surroundings, or people I grew up with. I am myself, a wolf igniting in the shape of a Black Flame.

In simple terms, or tl;dr: I can survive Marine bootcamp without going to bootcamp. When I look at myself I see limitless potential. "What I do I do at will. Shooting from the hip, yeah, shoot to kill. Half a breath left on my deathbed, screaming "fuck that!"

From as early as people can remember me I have always been defiant. Moving out of my father's home as early as I could, the night before my 18th birthday was the ultimate symbol of independence and fierceness. That was a tattoo in itself saying "Übermensch", my Wolfsangel, the Sigil of Baphomet,  Lucifer's rebellious decent: the moment Fenrir bit the hand that feeds. My friends know that if I ever get into a fight that I am to lose in, even when I'm on the ground, bleeding and unable to move, I will still be screaming "fuck you" and spitting the opposition in the face.

In my dreams, death appears as a hooded teenager with a nightstick on a bike, and I get close to him, bring down his hood eloquently, and say close to his face close enough for a kiss: "fuck you."

Here is a poem I wrote almost a year and a half ago, and already I can feel the flames burning me into a sharper shape, with fangs even longer, and a stare to leave you in a catatonic state…

I am a Prelude

Metamorphosis shackled in guilt

Transparent

Like an iceberg of oil

This yew tree is waiting to be ignited.

This is a strife in blood and sweat,

to thaw my bruised palms,

in the warmth of the Black Flame.

Wolfsangel

One of my most cherished symbols and when the time is right, will be placed on my skin.

"The Wolf’s Hook represents the Yew tree (Yggdrasil - The World Tree). It connects the three Norse realms; the heavens or consciousness, the humanity or life, and Hell or death. It’s shape (when on its vertical axis) connects all three, with roots in Hell, branches in the heavens and the crossing point ( or balance point) in the human realm. Like the arms of the Baphomet, one up, the other down (as above so below) both proximal ends connecting the human element. The synthesis of opposing forces in a balanced environment; communication between the extremes.

Much of the Wolf’s Hook symbology is derived from the fundamental properties and uses of the Yew.

It is the longest thriving European tree, mostly found in undisturbed lands - such as graveyards; hence the 13th rune’s association with longevity and protection of the dead.

Yew was the wood of choice for the making of the Norseman’s ominous longbows, due to it’s flexibility and strength. In it’s day, the longbow was a most feared and awesome weapon; and when in the hands of a skilled archer, made available the ability to kill, and thereby protect, it’s own from afar. The longbow itself represents the potential energy (tension) contained within the Wolf’s Hook. One’s own ultimate potential, stored and waiting for the skill and discipline of one (pushing the limits of their own personal power) to release this potential resource and focus it into their own kinetic creative force; and to do so, one needs balance.

The 13th rune has long been known as the death rune. Again this relates back to it’s association with the Yew tree. The bark, leaves and berries of the Yew are extremely poisoness, bringing on death when ingested. It’s sap, the tree’s life force, a deep red color; and when cut, resembled a bleeding body. And let us not forget the awesome death rendering longbow, made from the wood of the Yew tree. For a magician, the Wolf’s Hook can be used as a powerful archetypical symbol during a curse (destruction) ritual.

In summation, the Wolf’s Hook symbolizes creative potential, extremes in natural balance, discipline and strength of will, protection and longevity, curse and death..."

- Diana DeMagis