Chaos is the color of my distorted and compulsive negative thoughts, but I never fail to fight and not let them take me over. There's simply too many ideas, concepts, symbols, motifs, philosophical findings, and realizations for me to keep up at times. Even worse - I'm the type of person who thoroughly analyzes criticism not out of low self-esteem but rather a thirst for objective knowledge. I am not a slave to solipsism.
But sometimes it can be too much. There are times in where I literally need to pull myself aside and calm down because my brain is flying through too many concepts, and too often negative judgements of myself begin to suffocate. I listen when people say something negative, because when you worship your own ego, it is necessary to remember that you are fallible and people can see a different side of you than you can, like different sides to a diamond. Confusion arises when you remember that most of the time people are not concerned about giving some sort of conflict resolution in constructive criticism, but rather they are taking advantage of the situation to attack you.
And I'm not the type of motherfucker to bow down - I bite back.
Sometimes people hold negative opinions of you because you question the way they think, or rock the boat, or question the norm. In the world of today, everyone feels entitled to titles without earning the merit it takes to receive those names. Just buy yourself a few piercings, tattoos, dance like a bamboo to techno diarrhea, and keep up with the alternative (which aren't really alternative when they are now the mainstream...) fashion styles and you'll buy yourself a first class admission to "non-conformity" or some sort of faux edgy stance on philosophy. Bullshit. Absolute crap.
Going against the grain is thoroughly testing everything and believing nothing, and when you break people's pre-established notions about the way things run, they begin to turn on you and fear you. Well, fuck them. I'm happy to accept the consequences of distorted and compulsive thoughts conjured by questioning the established order, and now I have learned how to organize that chaos and form coherent arguments and valid points.
In Churchhill's words, "You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life." Taking a stance and holding your own creates a defense against would be attackers. This year I am taking a stance on myself and destroying anything which is on my course to accomplishment of my goals.
It's July 1st - plenty of months left in the year to cause some real fucking damage.
